We lost our precious lil' love to AML Leukemia on March 8, 2010. As an incredibly strong family unit, we fought this horrid disease for 2 1/2 years........only for it to come back a fourth time to finally claim Hunter's life. Zen and I are truly devastated and the beautiful light that used to brighten our days and enhance our souls, no longer exists. Our hearts are truly and forever broken. We have a long journey ahead of us, but we are committed and devoted to surviving and living our life embracing Hunter's amazing spirit. With tremendous honor, we will carry on his legacy of love, his legacy of courage and his remarkable ambition to live strong, live fearlessly and live with passion.

You will remain forever in our hearts baby love. We carry you with us every moment of every hour of every day.



Wednesday, May 5, 2010

To LIE or NOT to LIE

....So being pregnant and having just lost our first child less than 2 months ago, seems to be a pretty sucky combination.

No matter where we are, or who we come across, if we choose to go out in public - someone always crosses our path that wants to talk "baby talk".I feel as if I can't really hold anything against them - pregnancy and the whole birthing process is a pretty amazing thing.People want to share their insight, their own experiences, their stories, their own families or they are just plain nosy or feel the need to strike up a conversation.Well, so many of them don't particular have the stomach for our answer to the famous 2 questions.........it usually starts with, "When's the baby due"? and then it's ALWAYS followed by, "First time you've been pregnant"? or "Any other children"?

Last night while out at dinner, my husband Zen whispered in my ear, "well, well.......you're becoming a pretty good liar".And I quickly corrected him and said, "I'm not lying.......I am just not telling the whole truth.We are at dinner and I don't want to talk about it, I don'tfeel like talking about it and I don't want to think about it right now".He held and squeezed my hand and nicely agreed.What he was referring to was the conversation that was happening with another lovely couple at the restaurant.Of course when we were seated at our table, this particular couple next to us had two little ones with them, 19 months and three.So the lady quickly notices my belly and jumps right in and says "first child"? and my response was a kind and smiley "No".Then she followed by saying, "Well usually where there's one there's the other........if you are carting around two of them"! Then she kinda giggled and stared at her own two children playfully hanging around the table and making little messes while eating a bite or two.I just smiled back and didn't say a word.Then she continued with "How old is the other child", I responded, "Three 1/2",then she asked if we knew the sex of the baby in my belly and I said, "yes.....it's a boy", then she asked what we currently have, and I didn't lie, I just turned her have into had and answered the question,"Boy".This is where Zen was wondering if I was going to spill the beans and ruin their dinner & break their hearts or if I was just going to continue to talk as if Hunter were still alive.

I chose to NOT spill the beans.

No one wants to hear that your first child, who was only 3 1/2 years old, just died from cancer.There's no comeback for that answer.I think initially, most people just want to turn and run off.But they can't.So first, the look of horror crosses their face, they are shocked or completely stunned and totally caught of guard. And then second, we see them desperately struggling with what to say next.What is the appropriate response to a very light hearted conversation that just turned to death?Let alone the death of a child.What on earth can people possibly say?Over the last two months we've heard so many "I'm sorry's" and "My condolences to you", and "God blesses", they kinda just go in one ear now and out the other.We know that there is nothing to say.The truth is, it's horrible.It's the worst thing that can ever happen to a mother or father.It's a shitty situation.It's heartbreaking.It's something that most people would NEVER want to face.Do we really want them to say what they are really thinking?That they are forever fortunate that what's happened to us did not happen to them?That they are so glad to not be in our shoes right now dealing with what we have to deal with?We don't quite know anymore what the right response is.............

And so, here we are.......facing the most terrible and soul crushing experience of our lives and having to go on with our days, putting one foot in front of the other, trying to reach the healing ground.The ground feels pretty unstable on most days and sometimes it's all mucked up and we get stuck in the mud, and collapse, and have to willfully dig our way out.Somedays we dig pretty hard, others aren't so glorious and we just sit in it for a little while - acknowledging our pain, consuming our sorrow and feeling the hurt.Somehow.....in the end......we always seem to surface.Stronger from the dig. Stronger from the weight of healing and stronger from facing the truth.

Hunter was an amazing child and I will never NOT acknowledge him as our first child.I will never lie and say - "yup, it's our first", in order to avoid the terrible conversation that's about to happen.I will however, not expand and just let it go..........especially to complete strangers.Somedays I can barely put two thoughts together to make any sense........so the last thing I need is for a stranger to bring me back down into the depths of our own personal darkness.I'll go there when I see fit.

Everything truly will be wonderful again................someday.




35 comments:

  1. If there is anything I have learned from you and your journey it is that you and Zen know exactly how to fight a strong battle. You handled the battle with Cancer so perfectly, you did it all right, the end result is the MOST unfair outcome, but you fought hard, educated yourself, made great decisions and kept Hunters world full of the most incredible love. You know how to handle the worst of situations, so if your gut is telling you not to talk about it, then that is the best way to handle it. There may come a time when you feel the need to tell someone, and when that time comes, I know you will handle it with grace and love. I can not even begin to imagine your pain, and the emotions you must be feeling while waiting for your second son, but I do know that you owe no one anything. Its not a lie, its a protector and you certainly deserve that. Much Love. -Kelly

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  2. Yes, sweet Lenore, everything WILL be wonderful one day.

    Believe it.

    My grandmother died in my arms when she was 92. She came from South America. She had lost 4 of her 8 children in infancy there. At the moment she passed away, she sat upright in bed, stronger than she had been in months, raised her arms up and said the names of her 4 babies that had passed.

    She reached out to them, then fell back and her heart monitor stopped into a straight line.

    Her 4 babies are the ones that were sent to escort her to her new life.

    This is a true story, because I was there. And I wrote it down so I would NEVER forget the details. So I could tell everyone,
    "Yes. We live again. With the ones who went before us. They are sent as our guides and to help transition us."

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  3. Things will be wonderful again.

    I can promise you that.

    I had commented earlier with a story I gave that has promised me another life.

    I hope you've received it. If not, I'll comment again tomorrow....

    I'll think of you and Zen...

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  4. You and Zen are amazing... that is all I can really say, honestly. You exhibit so much strength.

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  5. Not a lie in the least...it's preservation, self-preservation. Continue to do whatever it takes to make it through each moment, one at a time; and preserve one another as you've done over the hills, through the valleys and darkness, you will find the light again.

    I pray for peace in your broken hearts,
    tt.

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  6. I do not know you, but I came across your Healing Hunter blog at the end of February. I have read back through your story, and Hunter's life, and it is a story that has touched me to my core and brought me to tears repeatedly. The love you have in your little family is everlasting and beautiful.

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  7. My name is Daphne Christ. I don't know you but am a photographer as well and was watching you take pictures at Luke's Memorial. Then I came across the picture of Tori you posted and thought that must be YOU! So here I am...I too was taken by that flower in her hair :) It was beautiful and full of praise. I was just reading the article and there were 1800 people there. I was wondering how many people that place could hold.
    Yes, being pregnant does draw people to you. My heart aches for you. I guess I am the kind of person that wants to hear the truth because I want to pray for people. Your SON IS adorable...NOT WAS adorable. Because he still IS and always will be! I have not watched all the videos of your little Hunter yet, I watched his last moments ... I will watch all the other ones too. He just kept saying your name over and over...That is what he was saying to comfort himself. Anyway I just wanted to say HI and that I am a "follower" now. I have a blog as well, nothing too interesting and not that you would want to follow me...but if you ever need a new friend...well, I would love to meet you! Love Always, In Jesus Precious' name ~Daphne
    I am not sure if this is going to post anonymous or not so IF by chance you ever want to contact me I guess the easiest way is through my blog
    triathletewoman.blogspot.com

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  8. Brandi Monks - What a whirlwind of emotions you must be going through. I could not imagine having both the sad,hurt and angry emotions of losing one child along with what should be the joy and happiness of having another! You are so brutally honest and I love it! You are absolutely correct that YOU nor Zen should ever have to or feel that you should have to lie in order to "make some one else's day". Hunter was your baby and always will be.

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  9. Janet Melton Byrum - love you and your courage!!!

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  10. Masha Fetisova - you just never stop blowing me away, love!

    Emily Perry-Tresser - I agree with Masha!

    Kara Rittling - very well said..

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  11. Emily Perry-Tresser - Oh Brandi...I love what you said as well. All of you are so inspiring and Lenore and Zen, we all love you so much

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  12. Wendy Maybury - You're doing the right thing--there's no road map, just what works moment to moment.

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  13. Terry Robertson Ince - Going out right now... Will read when I get back... Sending big hugs and kisses to you, sweet Lenore...

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  14. Maria Stix - You my Dear are my hero - and when I grow up I want to be just like you...

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  15. Julie Davis Leopold - Such remarkable strength and courage. Thank you for continuing to share with us. Thinking of you! xxx

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  16. Suzanne Novak - Your heart IS strong and in the right place. Thinking of you and your family and sending even more love and energy your way!xoxoxo

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  17. Kay Frederick - I never considered the questions that others would ask you until now. And the difficulty of choosing an answer that is least hurtful for you... is trapping on an emotional level. Who wants to be re-reminded of their deepest pain? And who wants to see the twisted looks and confusion on the face of a stranger after you unleash your deepest vulnerablity to them? And for what? Wasted energy. You see the red flag and change your strategy. Good Going. It's Smart. :)

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  18. Raina O'Hare - you are doing the right thing in this situation. it is just a no win...

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  19. Angelique Elser - I hope you don't mind that I'm a stranger commenting on your FB link. I'm friends with Raina, and I've read parts of your life story from the links she has sent. I don't know what it's like to lose a child. I have lost a sister. It's always awkward when people ask about family members when one of them has died. I think it's good to go with your gut when strangers ask certain perhaps well-meaning but intrusive questions.
    I've been reading a blog called http://thespohrsaremulitplying.com
    and it's written by a woman who lost her 17 month old a year ago and recently gave birth to a second child. It might be something you'd be interested in checking out.

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  20. Marilyn Trinkle - Yes Dear, it will...
    Hold on to that.
    Sending all my love

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  21. Cathy Donovan Holt - You need to write a book, your heart is telling the story...
    Really, it would help so many!

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  22. Vikki Jensen - love you lenore! do what you need to do and if it takes a half truth, then so be it. Hunter is and will always be your first born and one of your beautiful children. thank you for your honesty, always love that.xoxo

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  23. Linda M. Bryce - i think u should write a book too! you have this amazing way of saying what u feel so perfectly...i love reading where u and zen r at today...how u r picking yourselves up out of the mud...u inspire me to keep trudging the road of my own life, and i will look forward to ryder joining your lifes and being the love that u can hold and cling to....u r both the most incredible people and u so deserve to be delighted in life forever more! xo

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  24. Kimberly Boswell-Keaton - I agree. Write a book. You have helped me and so many others see the blessings in our own lives.

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  25. Cher Ferreyra - you are awesome. I can just see your face with her NOSY questions?! lol, love you sister. MEMOIRS.. Publish in series

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  26. Christina Rodis Burleigh - Some day everything will be bearable. People really do not think sometimes. Praying for you and sending some strength your way.

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  27. Andrea Rivas Schmitt - The right response is whatever YOU feel is the right response. Some days you may feel you want to go there and other days you don't. Hunter will always be your first child and first love and that will never change. xo

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  28. Kym Allen Vitar - You are so incredibly strong and i respect that SO much. i can only hope i would be as strong as you and Zen have been.

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  29. Loretta Wiggins - What wonderful testimony...all praise be to God. Thank you not only for sharing your feelings and thoughtd, but for the beautiful picters of Hunter. Remember the mommy in the movie 'Happy Feet' as soon as she met her son she said..." He's gorgeous"...Little Hunter is just that ...Glorious and now not only a gift to you, but a gift to all of us as well. I will be uploading one of your photos for my family album to put the both of you right in the middle of all my children and my childrens children. We love and respect you. Again, thanks for sharing!

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  30. Terry Robertson Ince - I do this all the time! I have this uncanny ability to size up a persons ability to "want to know the truth" or "are they just small-talking" me... Most of the time, unfortunately, it's the latter, so I just tell them I have two grown children, a boy and a girl... Sometimes I make up wonderful back stories for them and put them doing scuba instruction in Bora Bora or archeological digs in Guatemala... I've gotten so good at it that it's sort of a game with me now... I have to be honest with you, Lenore... I am so broken inside that most of the time it's just easier this way and I walk away with a smile and the other person walks away hearing exactly what they want to hear... You have my permission and my love, Lenore... Keep on truckin' lovely lady... Much love... T

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  31. Michael Johnson - Lenore, I am sure I have mentioned it before ... I love that you write so openly about your experiences with Hunter; I am always touched and humbled.

    I love that you wrote that you continue to find yourself loving Hunter more every day ...

    Ryder is blessed to be coming into this world having you and Zen as his parents.

    Saw some Lightening McQueen stickers today at my MRI console ... thought of Hunter.

    Sorry to be repetitive, but ... there must be a publisher out there interested, because your memoirs would be a must read.

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  32. Angi Pauer Ignasiak - Lenore I am awesome at lying. So many times I have been asked how many kids i have. I say 2 cause I don't want to get into where the 3rd one is. My 5 yr old is in kindergarten and i dropped a huge bomb on one of the K dads once. He started crying so I had my sons teacher send a note home about what happened. One of the checkers at the grocery store knew Nadia because she used to be my shopping buddy. Well after a few months she was confused to why I was always with my youngest. I had to tell her and that was awful.

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  33. Hadley Fried ....same thing as angi. when i do tell the truth perfect strangers cry. ugh it's so hard.

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  34. I struggle with this question all the time. My answer when I'm asked by strangers is that my kids were born two years apart. I don't want to ruin anyone's day, I don't want people feeling sorry for me, etc. I try to answer in vague terms, just like you. It's such an innocent question, you know? I have asked it a million times in the past, but I will never ask it again.

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  35. I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing to say, nothing that will make things better, nothing.

    My situation is a bit different from yours. My sister, my best friend, the person most important to me next to our kids, had breast cancer in 1992. She went through treatment and was fine. She even went on to have a boy, now 5 years old. The doctors told her to never get pregnant as that could cause a surge of hormones and cause her to have cancer again.

    May 3, 2009 she was 10 weeks pregnant and again, diagnosed with breast cancer. This time it was stage IV. She went thru three different kinds of chemo as each time the cancer would be almost gone it would then mutate and adapt to the chemo and grow out of control again.

    She died on Jan 9, 2010.

    We lived a mile apart. We spent every day, all day, together. Our kids refer to each other as brother and sister. She was my everything. And now she's gone.

    We are now 4 months out and we are still in shock, like my mom said "thank God for that!"

    So I know there's nothing to say. Actually after all the dumb, horrible, unbelievable things people HAVE said to me, I came up with a list of what IS ok, "I'm so sorry", "I can't imagine what you are going through" and "I wish I could say something that could help." That's it. Those three things.

    So, I'm sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. I wish I could say something that would help.

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