To LIE or NOT to LIE

....So being pregnant and having just lost our first child less than 2 months ago, seems to be a pretty sucky combination.

No matter where we are, or who we come across, if we choose to go out in public - someone always crosses our path that wants to talk "baby talk".I feel as if I can't really hold anything against them - pregnancy and the whole birthing process is a pretty amazing thing.People want to share their insight, their own experiences, their stories, their own families or they are just plain nosy or feel the need to strike up a conversation.Well, so many of them don't particular have the stomach for our answer to the famous 2 questions.........it usually starts with, "When's the baby due"? and then it's ALWAYS followed by, "First time you've been pregnant"? or "Any other children"?

Last night while out at dinner, my husband Zen whispered in my ear, "well, well.......you're becoming a pretty good liar".And I quickly corrected him and said, "I'm not lying.......I am just not telling the whole truth.We are at dinner and I don't want to talk about it, I don'tfeel like talking about it and I don't want to think about it right now".He held and squeezed my hand and nicely agreed.What he was referring to was the conversation that was happening with another lovely couple at the restaurant.Of course when we were seated at our table, this particular couple next to us had two little ones with them, 19 months and three.So the lady quickly notices my belly and jumps right in and says "first child"? and my response was a kind and smiley "No".Then she followed by saying, "Well usually where there's one there's the other........if you are carting around two of them"! Then she kinda giggled and stared at her own two children playfully hanging around the table and making little messes while eating a bite or two.I just smiled back and didn't say a word.Then she continued with "How old is the other child", I responded, "Three 1/2",then she asked if we knew the sex of the baby in my belly and I said, "yes.....it's a boy", then she asked what we currently have, and I didn't lie, I just turned her have into had and answered the question,"Boy".This is where Zen was wondering if I was going to spill the beans and ruin their dinner & break their hearts or if I was just going to continue to talk as if Hunter were still alive.

I chose to NOT spill the beans.

No one wants to hear that your first child, who was only 3 1/2 years old, just died from cancer.There's no comeback for that answer.I think initially, most people just want to turn and run off.But they can't.So first, the look of horror crosses their face, they are shocked or completely stunned and totally caught of guard. And then second, we see them desperately struggling with what to say next.What is the appropriate response to a very light hearted conversation that just turned to death?Let alone the death of a child.What on earth can people possibly say?Over the last two months we've heard so many "I'm sorry's" and "My condolences to you", and "God blesses", they kinda just go in one ear now and out the other.We know that there is nothing to say.The truth is, it's horrible.It's the worst thing that can ever happen to a mother or father.It's a shitty situation.It's heartbreaking.It's something that most people would NEVER want to face.Do we really want them to say what they are really thinking?That they are forever fortunate that what's happened to us did not happen to them?That they are so glad to not be in our shoes right now dealing with what we have to deal with?We don't quite know anymore what the right response is.............

And so, here we are.......facing the most terrible and soul crushing experience of our lives and having to go on with our days, putting one foot in front of the other, trying to reach the healing ground.The ground feels pretty unstable on most days and sometimes it's all mucked up and we get stuck in the mud, and collapse, and have to willfully dig our way out.Somedays we dig pretty hard, others aren't so glorious and we just sit in it for a little while - acknowledging our pain, consuming our sorrow and feeling the hurt.Somehow.....in the end......we always seem to surface.Stronger from the dig. Stronger from the weight of healing and stronger from facing the truth.

Hunter was an amazing child and I will never NOT acknowledge him as our first child.I will never lie and say - "yup, it's our first", in order to avoid the terrible conversation that's about to happen.I will however, not expand and just let it go..........especially to complete strangers.Somedays I can barely put two thoughts together to make any sense........so the last thing I need is for a stranger to bring me back down into the depths of our own personal darkness.I'll go there when I see fit.

Everything truly will be wonderful again................someday.