I am sitting in my bed right now...........staring at a photo of Hunter across the room.....wondering what to do next with my day.
His face brings me such joy and peace - I hate that it's sometimes followed with such extreme sadness and sorrow. Will I ever see a photo of him and not feel so much pain and heartache? I honestly can't imagine that day ever existing. I just can't ever see myself NOT missing him as much as I do, and not feeling so completely robbed of the life he was supposed to have lived.
I often come back to the question....why did this happen to us? Why did our child have to die? And WHY did he have to die from such a brutal disease? Why did our child die in our arms. Why were we dealt such a horrible, horrible hand. Zen and I never thought that this is how our life would unfold. Not in a million years.
As far as the healing process - I feel as if we are doing ok. We are doing our best to heal in the healthiest way possible. We communicate well and never ignore or run from what we are having to deal with on a daily basis. We keep each other busy and have been trying to stay occupied with our other hobbies and interests. But somehow, no matter how busy we seem to be......Hunter is never far behind. He continues to consume our thoughts, he continues to fill our days, he continues to take over our hearts. And he's not even here.
The void that we are feeling is complete loneliness. Zen and I can be with each other all day long....but we are both aching for a sweet, little, tiny voice to just whisper our names....or ask for some juice or want us by his side. What a precious, gracious lil' love he was - I so badly want him back in our lives.
Zen and I definitely feel more sad emotions over angry ones. Anger just doesn't seem very productive or healing or comforting. There are 3 times that I can recall that I've allowed my anger to build up in my body, and it honestly felt like I was going to explode. All three times I've been in the car. It seems to be when I think of him the most and for the longest periods of time without distraction. Out of those 3 times, once, I screamed at the top of my lungs until my head felt as if it was going to just roll right off my body. The second time I wanted to punch the door so hard.....I feel as if I would have followed through, the power from my anger would have taken the whole door off. And the third time I wanted to shatter the window with my fist. But, I didn't. I was so upset and so hurt and so distraught. I am just in such disbelief that something so wonderful and so amazing is just gone..................gone.
I think of how innocent he was and how hard he tried and how little he complained. I think about the day we were leaving the hospital and him smiling so sweetly at me, not knowing that we were going home for him to die. I think about how this sweet precious lil' being never did anything wrong and he just loved and loved and loved until he couldn't love any more. I think about how happy he was and how much he enjoyed living and playing and watching Lightning Mcqueen. And I'm always brought down to my knees in tears and agony and just plain heart wrenching pain. Why did he have to have a disease that was so hard to cure? Why did he have to have the most aggressive form of Leukemia? Why why why why why why why............why MY lil' love?
There isn't an answer that will ever satisfy us or take away our grief or allow us to understand. There isn't an answer that we will ever accept or an answer that will even remotely ease our pain or take away our tears. There isn't an answer. There never will be an answer..........I guess that's what we are left having to accept.
Zen and I now refer to ourselves as "laughter seekers". We'll do anything for a chuckle. Whenever I am out and about and see something that makes me smile - I buy it. Whenever I hear a song that makes me feel good - I save it. And whenever I feel happiness or joy or peace - I embrace it......for as long as I'm allowed the opportunity to do so.
We are still very hopeful for a brighter tomorrow. We know that we have so much left to accomplish here on this earth, and we now have a little angel sitting on our shoulder reminding us to live for him, live for us, live for the other children we'll hopefully soon have in our lives.
Hunter was our everything. And now our everything has been taken away. We now have to rebuild from what seems like the bottom up. We are now completely different individuals. We are the ones at the party whose child just died. We are the ones that now have to think about every single conversation that we are having with people who aren't aware of our lives......wondering if they are going to pry just enough to bring up our past. We are the ones who people sometimes feel uncomfortable around because they don't know what to talk about or know how to approach a conversation that we will even care to discuss. We are "the ones"...
But, we are also the ones whose perspectives have now been enhanced to a whole new level of living and appreciation. We are the ones who will continue to cherish every last second we have with each other and those that we love so dearly. We are also the ones that have lived and loved and died and have been reborn.........with a new meaning, with a new purpose, with a new outlook on the true meaning of life. Our hearts are forever broken, but as usual, we are going to do our best to take it all in and run with it.......as fast and as carefree as we can.
This is the day we decided to leave the hospital
after Hunter's final relapse.
He died 3 weeks later.
Miss you so much baby love.