We lost our precious lil' love to AML Leukemia on March 8, 2010. As an incredibly strong family unit, we fought this horrid disease for 2 1/2 years........only for it to come back a fourth time to finally claim Hunter's life. Zen and I are truly devastated and the beautiful light that used to brighten our days and enhance our souls, no longer exists. Our hearts are truly and forever broken. We have a long journey ahead of us, but we are committed and devoted to surviving and living our life embracing Hunter's amazing spirit. With tremendous honor, we will carry on his legacy of love, his legacy of courage and his remarkable ambition to live strong, live fearlessly and live with passion.

You will remain forever in our hearts baby love. We carry you with us every moment of every hour of every day.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Sweet dreams are made up of lil’ loves…

It’s been months since I’ve had the sweet, sweet pleasure of seeing Hunter in my dreams. I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting…and waiting. Still keeping “Henwy” the train under my pillow, 2 ½ years later, thinking Hunter would come back for him at some point. Still squeezing Lighting McQueen tight before I sleep, thinking he’d want to come and get a squeeze in himself. Still smooching his sweet face every night, trapped in a photograph, thinking he’d want to come and smooch me back. But he’s nowhere to be found. No signs, no whispers, no tickles…no giggles.

Until the other night. And it was oh so brief. Went by in what seems like the blink of an eye. But I saw and held and cherished my lil’ love for as long as that brief moment existed.

I had spent the last 4 hours before bed searching for original images for Mike Gillette, who is producing the amazing documentary, TheTruth365. I revisited images that used to keep me up at night…images that hurt. Images that are too dreadful to take in and fully process…without leaving me mentally damaged for hours or days on end. Zen was on an all night shift – so there I sat, all alone, curled up on the couch…remembering our sweet lil’ love. It was an excruciating process. My heart was beating so fast at times…causing pain and a severe ache throughout my entire being. But I wanted…and very much needed, to go there. I wanted to be taken away to the life we once lived. I wanted to breath in Hunter and all of his charm and amazing energy and gentle expressions. I wanted to consume his sweet soul and every little, last morsel of goodness I could bear to witness. I watched a good bit of his videos and looked at hundreds of images of him and our time spent together, and felt this incredibly heavy desire to just jump back into this life and live there forever.

Looking back through our life with grief-aged eyes, I literally saw the cancer, hardheartedly, take my lil’ love away. I saw his lil’ light slowly flickering towards the end, until his light was out. I saw my glimmer of hope that used to be so powerful and bright, and kept me strong for years of his intense battle, slowly fade away.

I saw his strength, I saw his courage, I saw his innocence. I saw the love. The never-ending true love that he gave us. And the never-ending true love that we so willingly and wholeheartedly gave back.

I saw the cancer. I saw the beast that gave us no mercy…the monster that haunts me in my nightmares. I saw this incredible force that, uninvitedly, enters my thoughts…without warning, without gentleness, without grace.

I saw sweet and palpable affection. I saw terror. I saw pure enjoyment and delight. I saw sadness. I saw tenderness and a passion for life and love. I saw pain.

I never once, however, saw anger. Anger that you’d think would have built up so intensely and so fiercely and so profoundly, that it would have caused us to self-implode.  I am extremely grateful that we, knowingly, compartmentalized that emotion onto the shelf of wasted time. Time that, unbeknownst to us, was going to be so incredibly limited.

I’m grateful that we spent our time laughing and playing and loving as if nothing in our life was ever wrong. I’m grateful that we lived each day with an abundance of joy and appreciated the time we were granted, and considered each and every moment an absolute true blessing. I’m grateful that we spent our time embracing his beautiful presence, as if he was never going to die.

Thank you Mike and TheTruth365, for triggering the thoughts that brought my lil’ love back to me - even if it was for just a brief moment. It was a moment that I’ve needed…a moment that I’ve been longing for, and a moment that has given me a little boost of strength to continue to move forward.  A moment that is now forever embedded in my memory that I can access whenever I need my sweet lil’ Hunter embrace.

I am forever grateful for any time I now get to spend with our amazing lil’ love…who is now, eternally, in my sweet, sweet dreams. Cheers

Hunter Zen, featured in TheTRUTH365
A documentary and social media campaign
that gives a voice to kids fighting cancer.

Lenore, Zen and Hunter Featured in Day 2 of The Truth 365's
Social Media Campaign.