Sweet dreams are made up of lil’ loves…

It’s been months since I’ve had the sweet, sweet pleasure of seeing Hunter in my dreams. I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting…and waiting. Still keeping “Henwy” the train under my pillow, 2 ½ years later, thinking Hunter would come back for him at some point. Still squeezing Lighting McQueen tight before I sleep, thinking he’d want to come and get a squeeze in himself. Still smooching his sweet face every night, trapped in a photograph, thinking he’d want to come and smooch me back. But he’s nowhere to be found. No signs, no whispers, no tickles…no giggles.

Until the other night. And it was oh so brief. Went by in what seems like the blink of an eye. But I saw and held and cherished my lil’ love for as long as that brief moment existed.

I had spent the last 4 hours before bed searching for original images for Mike Gillette, who is producing the amazing documentary, TheTruth365. I revisited images that used to keep me up at night…images that hurt. Images that are too dreadful to take in and fully process…without leaving me mentally damaged for hours or days on end. Zen was on an all night shift – so there I sat, all alone, curled up on the couch…remembering our sweet lil’ love. It was an excruciating process. My heart was beating so fast at times…causing pain and a severe ache throughout my entire being. But I wanted…and very much needed, to go there. I wanted to be taken away to the life we once lived. I wanted to breath in Hunter and all of his charm and amazing energy and gentle expressions. I wanted to consume his sweet soul and every little, last morsel of goodness I could bear to witness. I watched a good bit of his videos and looked at hundreds of images of him and our time spent together, and felt this incredibly heavy desire to just jump back into this life and live there forever.

Looking back through our life with grief-aged eyes, I literally saw the cancer, hardheartedly, take my lil’ love away. I saw his lil’ light slowly flickering towards the end, until his light was out. I saw my glimmer of hope that used to be so powerful and bright, and kept me strong for years of his intense battle, slowly fade away.

I saw his strength, I saw his courage, I saw his innocence. I saw the love. The never-ending true love that he gave us. And the never-ending true love that we so willingly and wholeheartedly gave back.

I saw the cancer. I saw the beast that gave us no mercy…the monster that haunts me in my nightmares. I saw this incredible force that, uninvitedly, enters my thoughts…without warning, without gentleness, without grace.

I saw sweet and palpable affection. I saw terror. I saw pure enjoyment and delight. I saw sadness. I saw tenderness and a passion for life and love. I saw pain.

I never once, however, saw anger. Anger that you’d think would have built up so intensely and so fiercely and so profoundly, that it would have caused us to self-implode.  I am extremely grateful that we, knowingly, compartmentalized that emotion onto the shelf of wasted time. Time that, unbeknownst to us, was going to be so incredibly limited.

I’m grateful that we spent our time laughing and playing and loving as if nothing in our life was ever wrong. I’m grateful that we lived each day with an abundance of joy and appreciated the time we were granted, and considered each and every moment an absolute true blessing. I’m grateful that we spent our time embracing his beautiful presence, as if he was never going to die.

Thank you Mike and TheTruth365, for triggering the thoughts that brought my lil’ love back to me - even if it was for just a brief moment. It was a moment that I’ve needed…a moment that I’ve been longing for, and a moment that has given me a little boost of strength to continue to move forward.  A moment that is now forever embedded in my memory that I can access whenever I need my sweet lil’ Hunter embrace.

I am forever grateful for any time I now get to spend with our amazing lil’ love…who is now, eternally, in my sweet, sweet dreams. Cheers

Click HERE for Hunter's OFFICIAL BLOG

Hunter Zen, featured in TheTRUTH365

A documentary and social media campaign

that gives a voice to kids fighting cancer.

Lenore, Zen and Hunter Featured in Day 2 of The Truth 365's

Social Media Campaign.

Life.......as we know it

I started writing this blog and it immediately started with thoughts in my head about Hunter. I, just now, decided to tell you about Ryder first. I don't want Hunter's absence to overshadow the amazing feelings of pure joy that Ryder has brought into our life.



Ryder is a rockstar. He lights up every single one of our days and happily carries us through to the next one. He's finally passed the stage of the "blank look" and throws down smiles constantly, especially when we get super close to his face and smile back. Which, believe me, we are in his face OFTEN, (I'm sure we look like big bobble heads to him that are endlessly craving his attention). But I don't think he's on overload yet, and so far, he doesn't seem to mind. He's a fantastic eater, in fact he eats and eats and eats and eats. I feed him and then smile, feed him and smile. We play with toys, he swings in his swing, bounces in his bouncer and we read books - usually Dr. Seuss - mostly because they make me happy and take me away to a special imaginary place. Hunter and I also read a lot of Dr. Seuss together. So good feelings all the way around.

I sing to Ryder often. This one gets sung to him a lot.......he always smiles.

"You are my sunshine.....my only sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are gray,
You'll never know dear.....how much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away".
I mean every word of it.

He's a super happy baby and thank goodness for that - I honestly was a bit concerned being as sad as I was while he was in my belly. I feel like when Hunter was in my belly he heard nothing but laughter and good times and wonderful events going on in the outside world. Ryder, on the other hand, heard lots of tears and lots of silence. I did a lot of crying or thinking or writing............big difference.

When we first started introducing "big boy" toys to him, I was very careful. I didn't want to influence his choices by presenting Lightning McQueen to him first. Soooooooo, I put Lightning in front of him, as well as Elmo, so that he could make his own decision as to which one he preferred most. I am VERY thrilled to report that he went for Lightning McQueen. So SaaaaaaaWEET. That brought a HUGE smile to my face that day and made me think that Hunter would be very proud of his lil' brothers choice in toys.



He also seems to enjoy Lightning and Mater on the big screen. He gets a dose or two of these cool guys while I'm cooking.



Ryder is his own lil' being......but he does seem to have a few "Hunterisms". He's extremely observant and notices everything - especially what's in my hands. That's a HUGE reminder of Hunter. Whenever ANYONE came into the room, Hunter ALWAYS checked out what you came in with........he would check for medicine, needles, nose hoses.....he was no dummy and always made sure he knew what you were about to do. Like Hunter, Ryder also looks you in the eye with what seems like a very old soul. He seems so grown up and he's only 4 months old. He's got Hunter's nose and Hunter's voluptuous lips - which I just absolutely LOVE. And he sits and sleeps often with his arm behind his head and his legs crossed, which is just FANTASTIC. Hunter ALWAYS had his arms behind his head and his legs crossed. Two Mr. Coolios for sure.

Hunter





Ryder



Ryder is much more pale skinned that Hunter was - but then Hunter also got darker with the addition of chemo, chemo, radiation, chemo and more chemo. But initially, he was still more of a golden color........Ryder is as pale as a ghost.

Oh and he loooooooooves his "Hunter" blankets. We never went ANYWHERE without a few of these for Hunter. It was his special kind of blanket and it always brought him so much comfort. We now use them all the time for Ryder and he seems to love them just as much.

Hunter



Ryder


I know that when Ryder was first born, Zen and I both, honestly wanted to see Hunter come popping back out........we were so hoping that he somehow got back into my belly and was going to have a chance to come out in a brand new body with absolutely perfect blood. We obviously knew that this truly was not going to be the case - but we so desperately wanted to see Hunter again and let him have another chance at life. It's amazing how much we want him back home......safe and sound......away from all evils.

Hunter at 6 months. Healthy as can be........

So all in all, regarding our mental and emotional state of mind - it basically still hurts like hell and has affected us deeper than we ever imagined. We still get hit pretty hard, on a daily basis, with what continues to be our reality.

When we see videos or photos of Hunter, which is often............wow - the sadness that beats us down is pretty much indescribable. So many emotions at once. Intense heartache. An overwhelming feeling of loss. Love........deep, pure love. Happiness, enjoyment and appreciation for what he was......and the wonderful way in which he always carried himself. Sadness. A very powerful and heavy burden of sadness. It always ends in sadness. We miss our lil' love like crazy.

Usually I find myself needing to hear his voice or wanting to remember his cute lil' personality. We have videos upon videos upon videos. So it's quite easy for me to get very lost in my Hunter world. As soon as his face hits the screen and his wonderful lil' words come out of his mouth.........it's all over. It basically becomes a torture session. It is so incredibly painful to see him and hear him and not be able to touch him or hold him. I am so damn tired of gently touching his cheeks on my cold, flat computer screen.........just trying so desperately to remember the softness of his skin. I want to smooch his lil' face and grab his lil' body and snuggle with it beyond belief. My heart just aches.........painfully aches to the point of wanting to vomit. It's completely surreal. It's the biggest struggle for me to piece together what really happened and what we've lost. I just can't believe that something so amazing and so important to me and so REAL and full of love and beautiful energy.......is just gone. Disappeared into the clear blue skies. My first child.......my lil' bundle of love.......my best lil' buddy......is dead. wow. Just doesn't seem possible for this to really be my life.

It's now been 9 months since we lost him and it seems as if the pain, that we thought was going to become easier, has only intensified. The horrible reality of his death is sinking in more and more every month that passes. We've fully realized what we've lost and it's painfully crushing and so terribly heart breaking. Zen and I were talking after one of our Hunter crying sessions and I had mentioned that losing a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone in their lifetime. He basically made me take that back. He said he doesn't like to think of it that way and we should try to think of it a bit differently. It makes him feel as if there is no recovery..........and that "that's it".......once something like that happens you should just throw in the towel and call it quits because you will never resurface from such devastation. I agreed with him......and would want nothing more than a different outlook on our tragedy. And I definitely don't want to feel as if we are doomed for the rest of our life. However, we are now two totally different people with many, many layers......and the bottom layer of both of our souls is a very thick layer of sadness. We now carry it with us wherever we go. It's there. Sometimes it's possible to hide it behind other emotions and laughter.......but at the end of the day - it's the layer of sadness that we take to bed with us.

Here is a very artistic shot of our tear tissues. This was our collection after watching about 30 minutes of Hunter videos. Each one was used MULTIPLE times. We now keep a handy roll of toilet paper accessible at every main area of the house.

Sooooooo I will now end this posting with the things that I am grateful for............I am grateful for another child, I am grateful for his health. I am grateful for my husband and I am grateful for his love. I am grateful for the 3 1/2 years that we got to spend with Hunter......and I am grateful for his life. I am grateful that we are able to get up and out of bed every morning........and continue living. I am grateful that our hearts still seem to beat........even though they are still terribly broken.

Zen and Ryder in Hollywood

The Spirit of Halloween

Haven't posted in quite awhile. Days come and go and life just continues to be flying by. It's now been almost 8 months since Hunter's been gone and it sometimes feels as if it was a lifetime ago. There are times when he feels so very close to me and there are times when he's just so far away. Too far.

On Halloween last year, Hunter was still recovering from his Bone Marrow Transplant and his Graft vs. Host. He had been bed ridden for months and on Halloween night, Hunter took his very first steps again on his own. He was laying on the couch and surprised us and just got up and walked across the room to come sit with us. It was such an incredible moment of strength and determination on his part. His lil' body had been broken down so many times and he always found a way to come back from the total devastation. We were soooooooo thrilled and excited and overjoyed. Our lil' man was walking again! We were visiting the Kobbe's at the time and had walked up to their house with the stroller and I remember the walk home.......we were all just so damn happy. It seemed as if NOTHING was going to defeat us.

So here we are now, defeated, the first Halloween without Hunter - celebrating it without him here. It's a little hard because last year's Halloween was just so memorable and such an important one for us. Hunter was still alive and still fighting and we honestly thought our second chance at life was going to stick and we were going to be able to keep Hunter forever. We all had been through so much at this point.....it just seemed fair for us to be free from the cancer.



He has surprised me in my dreams. He was there on his birthday and he showed up again two nights ago. That makes a total of 8 times that he's been in my dreams in 8 months. I honestly thought he'd be in my dreams so much more. Every time he comes I always know that my time is limited. I try to get in as much time with him as possible before he goes away.....not knowing when I'll see him again. The last two times he's been healthy and happy......no machines, no chemo, no nose hose. It's nice to see him well.

Zen and I still have very broken hearts. We hold on to each other for dear life. The other day I woke up angry. I was just in a pisser of a mood and Zen just kind of let me go through it. By 11am I just sank my head into my hands and tried to regroup and start my day off a little differently. Zen just hugged me tight and told me to just let it out. And so I did. I don't have many angry days......usually the emotion that hits me the hardest is sadness and not anger. Both emotions kind of suck and are ones I'm not used to carrying around with me. Looking forward to the days when they are slightly lifted.

Me, Frank and Hunter on Halloween two years ago. This was when he was in remission and stamped "cured" after his first 5 rounds of chemo in LA. Little did we know what was waiting for us around the corner.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN my sweet lil' prince. Love and miss you soooooooo much! Sending tons and tons of smooches up to you today.....I want to fill your Halloween bucket with as many kisses as possible! XoXo



Our newest lil' Halloween Pumpkin. This lil' man gets so much love it's sincerely comical. All day long he's smooched and tickled and entertained. I'm sure he feels pretty special......which he should. He has saved our lives. He has saved our love. He has saved our spirits.

Just something I noticed as I sit here trying to work.....

I've noticed that there is a natural state of sadness that rests upon my face whenever I am not fully occupied or engaged in any other activity. This has become my present "being" and it's now been this way for 3 1/2 months. Such a drastic change from what my life was like before.

I am still often in a daze and whenever I have a chance to glance off and think about Hunter or my life......my mind seems to take full advantage. It's still hard for me to focus on other people and their interests. It's still hard for me to look at other children and not wonder about Hunter and how he would have been at age 4 or 6 or 10.......or graduating from High School. It's still hard for me to fully accept what has happened and that I am a mother who has lost a child. Almost everything is.......still hard.

I'm hoping that if I were to "fast forward" and see my life a year from now.....my natural state that rests upon my face will be replaced with one that is full of hope, full of life and full of some level of happiness that we'll be able to achieve. This new child that we are about to give birth to will in fact deliver many of those things. This new love is saving Zen and I from ultimate destruction.

......an exceptional Father

Hunter's handprint his last day here on earth.

A link to Zen's Father's Day post from last year.....

wow.....our lives have totally changed.

A Tribute to Zen

Honestly, after reading 'A Tribute to Zen', there isn't much I can say about Zen, that I haven't already said over the last few years. I absolutely adore him as a father, and so did Hunter. I still remember when Zen would ask Hunter, "who LOVES you", and Hunter would very happily shout out......."DAD!" Then Zen would say, "who ELSE LOVES you", and Hunter would shout out with such excitement, "MOM!" I LOVED hearing that. I LOVED that he knew what love was, and I just get absolutely tickled that he knew who it was that so deeply loved him. We must have told him 100 times a day. He could tell by the way we spoke to him, he could tell by the way we snuggled with him and he could tell by the way we cared for him. He was always held with such gentle, yet strong, arms and we tried to never let him down and always let him know how very important he was to us.

We fought like hell for that kid.....and he was right there by our sides fighting with us - often times leading the fight. Some people have said to us that 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree', and that Hunter got his strength and his courage and his remarkable calmness from us. I believe that. But he was also a very unique child and on several occasions, we got our strength and our courage and our calmness from him. His desire and his will to live kept us going for countless days. He inspired us on a daily basis, just by looking at us and smiling.....especially during those times when he was restricted to his bed, hooked up to lots of tubes and machines, while chemo, or red blood cells or antibiotics dripped into his body. His spirit was always glowing and his love and respect for us was always apparent. He truly was an old soul that understood life, love and emotions way beyond his years.

Zen taught Hunter many things, just with his actions alone. He always stood strong, he always represented bravery and he constantly showed his emotions and never let a day go by where Hunter wasn't fully aware of how much Zen loved him. He was there for every procedure, every scan, every chemo treatment and every other time we ever needed him to be there. He was ALWAYS there. There and present and extremely aware of what was going on so that he could assist in making the best decisions for Hunter in the next battles we would have to face. He never let us down and was such a solid force when it came to holding our family together and keeping things moving in a positive direction.

He was an exceptional father to Hunter and he's going to be an even more exceptional father to Ryder. He is now empowered with so much more love, so much more compassion and so much more understanding and appreciation for the true blessing of fatherhood. He is as eagerly awaiting Ryder's arrival as much as I am, and I can't wait to see him raise another warrior. I'm sure he will let Ryder know how proud he was of Hunter and all of his amazing accomplishments. He will pass along what a brave champion he truly was and hope that he grows up cherishing his little soul, just as we do. Ryder will be his own little being......and with the combination of influence and guidance and leadership from Zen, an overabundance of love and affection from me, and a perfect little angel sitting on his shoulder.....he's bound to be a phenomenal child.

Zen, once again, I am in complete awe of you and all that you represent. I couldn't be more honored to be your wife and to travel these rocky roads of life with you by my side. Every challenge we have had to overcome and every challenge we have in the days to come seems that much easier having you as my life partner......standing strong, standing brave and standing with an amazing amount of love. Love for me, love for your children and love for our family. I am much stronger with you in my life, just as you are much stronger with me. Together we will take on this life and whatever comes our way, and I know we will always try to champion our way to the top. And I know that if we have to go down.......I know we will always go down fighting. The only way to go.

Happy Father's Day my love.

A perfect example of Zen keeping Hunter calm during his VERY FIRST cat scan at Children's Hospital in LA. Hunter was only 14 months at the time and had no idea what the heck was going on. He followed his fathers lead and just did what he had to do.

My favorite moments of Zen and Hunter

I love my boys.