We lost our precious lil' love to AML Leukemia on March 8, 2010. As an incredibly strong family unit, we fought this horrid disease for 2 1/2 years........only for it to come back a fourth time to finally claim Hunter's life. Zen and I are truly devastated and the beautiful light that used to brighten our days and enhance our souls, no longer exists. Our hearts are truly and forever broken. We have a long journey ahead of us, but we are committed and devoted to surviving and living our life embracing Hunter's amazing spirit. With tremendous honor, we will carry on his legacy of love, his legacy of courage and his remarkable ambition to live strong, live fearlessly and live with passion.

You will remain forever in our hearts baby love. We carry you with us every moment of every hour of every day.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Spirit of Halloween

Haven't posted in quite awhile. Days come and go and life just continues to be flying by. It's now been almost 8 months since Hunter's been gone and it sometimes feels as if it was a lifetime ago. There are times when he feels so very close to me and there are times when he's just so far away. Too far.

On Halloween last year, Hunter was still recovering from his Bone Marrow Transplant and his Graft vs. Host. He had been bed ridden for months and on Halloween night, Hunter took his very first steps again on his own. He was laying on the couch and surprised us and just got up and walked across the room to come sit with us. It was such an incredible moment of strength and determination on his part. His lil' body had been broken down so many times and he always found a way to come back from the total devastation. We were soooooooo thrilled and excited and overjoyed. Our lil' man was walking again! We were visiting the Kobbe's at the time and had walked up to their house with the stroller and I remember the walk home.......we were all just so damn happy. It seemed as if NOTHING was going to defeat us.

So here we are now, defeated, the first Halloween without Hunter - celebrating it without him here. It's a little hard because last year's Halloween was just so memorable and such an important one for us. Hunter was still alive and still fighting and we honestly thought our second chance at life was going to stick and we were going to be able to keep Hunter forever. We all had been through so much at this point.....it just seemed fair for us to be free from the cancer.

He has surprised me in my dreams. He was there on his birthday and he showed up again two nights ago. That makes a total of 8 times that he's been in my dreams in 8 months. I honestly thought he'd be in my dreams so much more. Every time he comes I always know that my time is limited. I try to get in as much time with him as possible before he goes away.....not knowing when I'll see him again. The last two times he's been healthy and happy......no machines, no chemo, no nose hose. It's nice to see him well.

Zen and I still have very broken hearts. We hold on to each other for dear life. The other day I woke up angry. I was just in a pisser of a mood and Zen just kind of let me go through it. By 11am I just sank my head into my hands and tried to regroup and start my day off a little differently. Zen just hugged me tight and told me to just let it out. And so I did. I don't have many angry days......usually the emotion that hits me the hardest is sadness and not anger. Both emotions kind of suck and are ones I'm not used to carrying around with me. Looking forward to the days when they are slightly lifted.

Me, Frank and Hunter on Halloween two years ago. This was when he was in remission and stamped "cured" after his first 5 rounds of chemo in LA. Little did we know what was waiting for us around the corner.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN my sweet lil' prince. Love and miss you soooooooo much! Sending tons and tons of smooches up to you today.....I want to fill your Halloween bucket with as many kisses as possible! XoXo

Our newest lil' Halloween Pumpkin. This lil' man gets so much love it's sincerely comical. All day long he's smooched and tickled and entertained. I'm sure he feels pretty special......which he should. He has saved our lives. He has saved our love. He has saved our spirits.


  1. I seriously do think of you everyday.. since I know now your story... thank you for sharing it.. May your Halloween be filled with many happy memories of your sweet Hunter and making new memories with your handsome Ryder.

    hugs xo


  2. Hey Lenore... thinking of you and praying for you... holidays seem to be especially hard. My brother was in my dream last night, and when I woke up, I tried as hard as I could to go back to sleep, but he was gone. Sounds a little like your dream with Hunter... just wish we could keep them with us forever. Sending some Aloha from Kailua Kona.

  3. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family as you get through this season of first holidays without Hunter while trying to balance them with Ryder's firsts in a joyful way.

    That Ryder is one handsome, sweet little man!

  4. Oh Hunter, I love that you are giving your Mommy and Daddy just what they need....seeing your beautiful face free of the nose hose, healthy and happy in Mommy's dreams :)
    I know you are whispering in Ryder's ear telling him all the fun things that will make them smile and mend thier hearts just a little bit.
    Each day we do a special thing in our house where we say the worst part of our day and the best part of our day....I can say that seeing your Mommy smile again has been the best part of many of my days. Keep up the good work sending your endless love sweet boy......
    xooxoxoox Cathy, Paul & Olivia Holt

  5. Hey Lenore,

    I check in on you every single day. When I notice that there isn't a new post, I look at pictures of Hunter and pray for you. I pray that you heal, I pray that you are well and I pray that he visits you in your dreams.

    Ryder is just adorable!!!! I love little babies in pumpkin outfits...Jack (my son) was a pumpkin his first halloween.. now for his 2nd, he was Darth Vader...

    HUGS, LOVE and Smooches

  6. I know how it is to be haunted by last years Halloween. Even though it was tainted by cancer we still had our loved ones, we still had HOPE, we still had each other. Last night I sobbed while taking the kids trick or treating (they didn't see me cry). I remembered how much fun my sister and I had with each other watching our kids run from house to house. She was sick from chemo and her whole body ached but she wasn't going to miss out on the fun. We laughed more than we ever had on Halloween even though cancer was running through our entire family. Every day I'm haunted. Every holiday is haunted. Every second I have the ghosts of days past. And yet the children are my saving grace, without them I don't think I could bear this new, haunted life we've been handed. I am so sorry for your loss and again, I can't imagine what YOU are going through, it is your pain and your pain alone.

  7. I'm so glad you posted. I'd been thinking of your fam and wondered how you were. I don't know you, just a random person in the world who reads your blog and who hopes the best for your family.

    Ryder is beautiful. He looks like his brother, but also so much like his own little person.

  8. Ryder is so beautiful, and looks so much like his handsome big brother Hunter. I know your pain is still fresh, and that wound will take a long time to heal... and even when it does, the place where it healed will always be tender... nothing and no one will ever replace your little love... But I can tell that he is indelibly etched into your hearts and the love you bestow on Ryder.

    God bless you!