The Spirit of Halloween

Haven't posted in quite awhile. Days come and go and life just continues to be flying by. It's now been almost 8 months since Hunter's been gone and it sometimes feels as if it was a lifetime ago. There are times when he feels so very close to me and there are times when he's just so far away. Too far.

On Halloween last year, Hunter was still recovering from his Bone Marrow Transplant and his Graft vs. Host. He had been bed ridden for months and on Halloween night, Hunter took his very first steps again on his own. He was laying on the couch and surprised us and just got up and walked across the room to come sit with us. It was such an incredible moment of strength and determination on his part. His lil' body had been broken down so many times and he always found a way to come back from the total devastation. We were soooooooo thrilled and excited and overjoyed. Our lil' man was walking again! We were visiting the Kobbe's at the time and had walked up to their house with the stroller and I remember the walk home.......we were all just so damn happy. It seemed as if NOTHING was going to defeat us.

So here we are now, defeated, the first Halloween without Hunter - celebrating it without him here. It's a little hard because last year's Halloween was just so memorable and such an important one for us. Hunter was still alive and still fighting and we honestly thought our second chance at life was going to stick and we were going to be able to keep Hunter forever. We all had been through so much at this point.....it just seemed fair for us to be free from the cancer.



He has surprised me in my dreams. He was there on his birthday and he showed up again two nights ago. That makes a total of 8 times that he's been in my dreams in 8 months. I honestly thought he'd be in my dreams so much more. Every time he comes I always know that my time is limited. I try to get in as much time with him as possible before he goes away.....not knowing when I'll see him again. The last two times he's been healthy and happy......no machines, no chemo, no nose hose. It's nice to see him well.

Zen and I still have very broken hearts. We hold on to each other for dear life. The other day I woke up angry. I was just in a pisser of a mood and Zen just kind of let me go through it. By 11am I just sank my head into my hands and tried to regroup and start my day off a little differently. Zen just hugged me tight and told me to just let it out. And so I did. I don't have many angry days......usually the emotion that hits me the hardest is sadness and not anger. Both emotions kind of suck and are ones I'm not used to carrying around with me. Looking forward to the days when they are slightly lifted.

Me, Frank and Hunter on Halloween two years ago. This was when he was in remission and stamped "cured" after his first 5 rounds of chemo in LA. Little did we know what was waiting for us around the corner.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN my sweet lil' prince. Love and miss you soooooooo much! Sending tons and tons of smooches up to you today.....I want to fill your Halloween bucket with as many kisses as possible! XoXo



Our newest lil' Halloween Pumpkin. This lil' man gets so much love it's sincerely comical. All day long he's smooched and tickled and entertained. I'm sure he feels pretty special......which he should. He has saved our lives. He has saved our love. He has saved our spirits.

Hunter and Ryder at the Great Vow Zen Monastery

So one of Ryder's first adventures was visiting the Great Vow Zen Monastery here in Oregon. We packed Ryder up in the car at 9 days old and took a 2-hour road trip up in the hills, where we went to share another little wonderful piece of Hunter and honor his beautiful soul.

We attended a Jizo Ceremony that is held to remember children who have been called back into the ocean of life.......away from sadness and away from suffering. The Jizo "Bodhisattva" is a much beloved figure in Japan, Korea, and China, and is a special protector of children, travelers, and women. Zen and I felt naturally drawn to this and thought it would be a special place to share some of Hunter's love, (Zen is Korean and Caucasian, I am African American and Caucasian.......so Hunter and Ryder are Korean, African American and Caucasian).

It was a very touching ceremony and upon it's completion we walked the beautiful remembrance gardens and chose a Jizo statue that we felt represented Hunter and everything he embodies. This particular one stood out to us and had a very warrior-like presence about him and seemed to be pretty studly and very unique.

We decorated the Jizo with our little touch of Hunter, (and Lightning McQueen of course), and also left him a sweet note with a piece of one of his favorite blankets..........and Hudson Hornet:

Love you so much Baby Cakes. Your amazing soul is an overwhelming amount of love, warmth and inspiration to us. We cherish you and carry you with us wherever we go. May you dance on forever to the rhythm of our hearts. XoXo and warm snuggles - Mom and Dad

After we decorated the statue, we moved on to an amazingly beautiful tree, which was two trees intertwined into one, and spread some of Hunter's ashes. As his ashes gracefully blew in the wind and fell to the bottom of the tree - I felt as if the earth was going to open up and swallow me whole. The pain in my heart was so incredibly intense and it was aching with such sadness and disbelief. We were so, so sad at this particular moment and it was reality slamming us in the face, once again, confirming that Hunter is gone. It was as beautiful as it was heartbreaking.

Zen holding Ryder right before the Jizo Ceremony began.

Overall, I felt as if this day brought another level of peace to us. I was comforted and proud to leave some of Hunter's preciousness in this beautiful garden. It felt safe and warm and visited by many kind and loving souls. Another amazing place for Hunter to frolic in on the days he feels like running in the wilderness.

About the Jizo Bodhisattva:

Jizo is the bodhisattva who plunges fearlessly into any place or situation to help those in need. For anyone who has lost a child, Jizo is a powerful image of hope and solace. Jizo's qualities include unflagging optimism, fearlessness, and gentleness.

Jizo Bodhisattva is usually portrayed as a child-monk, often carrying a pilgrim's staff with six rings that jingle to warn animals of his approach and prevent mutual harm.

Jizo also carries the bright jewel of Dharma truth whose light banishes all fear. Jizo travels to wherever there are people who are mired in the darkness of unhappiness and fear, unable to free themselves.

Jizo is the Japanese name of this Bodhisattva, who was also known in ancient India as Kshitigarbha Bodhisattva, the Earthstore Bodhisattva, guardian of the great earth

A Bodhisattva is one who devotes his or her life to freeing others from suffering. Bodhisattvas are not worshipped, but are an inspiration to awaken to the qualities of an enlightened being that are inherent in everyone.

At Great Vow Zen Monastery, they practice with Jizo to help awaken the Bodhisatta's qualities in ourselves.

Ryder Zen - a scrumptious lil' bundle of love

Ryder Zen, 5 days old.

Our newest lil' bundle of joy arrived on Thursday, August 5th at 11:08 pm. He was a relatively big guy coming out at 8 lbs. 15 oz. and measured 22 inches long. He came rockin' down the birth canal to Kings of Leon and entered the world extremely calm, cool and very, very observant - super wide eyed and ready to be loved. As we requested, once Zen cut the cord, he was immediately placed on my chest and Zen and I took in his sweet face, his scrumptious lil' toes and his extremely peaceful energy. He's truly a dream come true. He is now 11 days old and he has been nothing short of amazing. He's the most laid back baby that seems super content with all that is going on around him. We've already taken him on several outings and he has seemed to enjoy each and every one of them. We honestly didn't think we'd get another baby that was as mellow as Hunter........but he seems to be proving us wrong. We've got ourselves, yet another "chill baby".







He's already got a very sweet demeanor about him........very gentle and very soft. We embrace his little body with such adoring tenderness, with which he seems to be enjoying thoroughly. I'm quite positive he feels the overwhelming amounts of love and gratefulness that he's held with every single minute his lil' body is in our arms. He sleeps snug as a bug right by my side every night and is already an amazing snuggler.








The labor and deliver, I thought, was going to be a piece of pie. I seriously thought he was going to slip out like a fish and come out in about 4 hours. Well.........that was NOT the case. Ryder definitely made me work pretty hard, and boy, was it painful. I started having very mild contractions the night before at around 10pm and they seemed to continue throughout the night. At around 7am, they seemed pretty regular and started picking up in intensity. We arrived at the doctors office at 9:30 and they hooked me up to the baby monitor. The contractions were about 4 min. apart and were heading in the right direction. Our extremely cool doctor, that we love, love, LOVE, came in and said "we could either send you home and wait it out OR we could send you over to the hospital, break your water and get this lil' guy out". He knows all about Hunter and knows how very anxious we were to have Ryder in our arms. So, OF COURSE, Zen and I both opted for BABY NOW!!!!!!! So he sent us over and broke my water around 1pm. Well nothing happened and the contractions seemed to be fading away and becoming very inconsistent. So I walked the halls, bounced on the labor ball, rocked in the chair and still..........not too much activity. So we induced with a pretty mild dose of Pitocin at 7pm. Still not too much happening, so then upped the dose of Pitocin about an hour later and then low and behold - at 9pm...........GAME ON. All I will say is HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP - it hit me like a Mac Truck and before I knew it, I could barely catch me breath. Those contractions came on so quick and SO STRONG, I felt as if my body was going into convulsions. Right around 10:30pm I started asking for some relief. I just couldn't endure the pain any longer. I requested the epidural at that point and my nurse said, "sweetie, you're almost there, he's about to come out", and somehow or another I got the point across that mamma needs some relief and please get it as soon as possible.

So by the time the epidural technician came and got it in my body with the first test dose it was already 10:48. By the time it hit my system is was about 10:58 and Ryder was born at 11:08. So I didn't get much relief....in fact - I got none at all. I guess I should have asked for it sooner. Now I know.

None the less, as soon as he was on my chest..........the pain was forgotten and our baby boy was born.

Zen coaching me through the contractions.

Always so nice to feel his touch and hear his voice.

Holding on to Hunter's favorite train, Henry. I wouldn't let go and wanted him with me through the whole process. Henry still sleeps with me at nighttime and stays clutched in my hand throughout the entire night. I will forever hear in my head Hunter's sweet voice........"mom.....Henwy".

He is never far from my thoughts.

My note to Hunter:

Hey baby cakes.......your presence has been felt and has completely embraced us these last couple of weeks. Your dad and I are missing you and loving you more than I can possibly express. Even though our hearts are still very broken, you've filled them with such an overwhelming amount of joy and beautiful memories......memories that I've cherished every single day that you've been gone. You carry me throughout my day and gently snuggle with me at night. And I want you to know that I will never let you go.

Your little brother was born last week and you must have done a good job coaching him in the belly because he came out super cool.......you must have told him he's got some big shoes to fill. I certainly hope you shared your love of music with him......I'm hoping he's got some killer dance moves to share with us once he starts moving around.

I still sleep with Henry clutched in my hand and Ryder will soon see him and hold on to him as tightly as I do. Lightning, Mater, Hudson Hornet and the rest of the crew are kept close at hand as well. They make me smile and I can still hear your precious voice when you'd ask for them.

I am off to sleep. I hope you visit me in my dreams........I am in need of some wonderful Hunter snuggles. I love you so much and miss you terribly. Sending you smooches, sweet dreams and lots and lots of toe kisses....XoXoXo mom