Life.......as we know it

I started writing this blog and it immediately started with thoughts in my head about Hunter. I, just now, decided to tell you about Ryder first. I don't want Hunter's absence to overshadow the amazing feelings of pure joy that Ryder has brought into our life.



Ryder is a rockstar. He lights up every single one of our days and happily carries us through to the next one. He's finally passed the stage of the "blank look" and throws down smiles constantly, especially when we get super close to his face and smile back. Which, believe me, we are in his face OFTEN, (I'm sure we look like big bobble heads to him that are endlessly craving his attention). But I don't think he's on overload yet, and so far, he doesn't seem to mind. He's a fantastic eater, in fact he eats and eats and eats and eats. I feed him and then smile, feed him and smile. We play with toys, he swings in his swing, bounces in his bouncer and we read books - usually Dr. Seuss - mostly because they make me happy and take me away to a special imaginary place. Hunter and I also read a lot of Dr. Seuss together. So good feelings all the way around.

I sing to Ryder often. This one gets sung to him a lot.......he always smiles.

"You are my sunshine.....my only sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are gray,
You'll never know dear.....how much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away".
I mean every word of it.

He's a super happy baby and thank goodness for that - I honestly was a bit concerned being as sad as I was while he was in my belly. I feel like when Hunter was in my belly he heard nothing but laughter and good times and wonderful events going on in the outside world. Ryder, on the other hand, heard lots of tears and lots of silence. I did a lot of crying or thinking or writing............big difference.

When we first started introducing "big boy" toys to him, I was very careful. I didn't want to influence his choices by presenting Lightning McQueen to him first. Soooooooo, I put Lightning in front of him, as well as Elmo, so that he could make his own decision as to which one he preferred most. I am VERY thrilled to report that he went for Lightning McQueen. So SaaaaaaaWEET. That brought a HUGE smile to my face that day and made me think that Hunter would be very proud of his lil' brothers choice in toys.



He also seems to enjoy Lightning and Mater on the big screen. He gets a dose or two of these cool guys while I'm cooking.



Ryder is his own lil' being......but he does seem to have a few "Hunterisms". He's extremely observant and notices everything - especially what's in my hands. That's a HUGE reminder of Hunter. Whenever ANYONE came into the room, Hunter ALWAYS checked out what you came in with........he would check for medicine, needles, nose hoses.....he was no dummy and always made sure he knew what you were about to do. Like Hunter, Ryder also looks you in the eye with what seems like a very old soul. He seems so grown up and he's only 4 months old. He's got Hunter's nose and Hunter's voluptuous lips - which I just absolutely LOVE. And he sits and sleeps often with his arm behind his head and his legs crossed, which is just FANTASTIC. Hunter ALWAYS had his arms behind his head and his legs crossed. Two Mr. Coolios for sure.

Hunter





Ryder



Ryder is much more pale skinned that Hunter was - but then Hunter also got darker with the addition of chemo, chemo, radiation, chemo and more chemo. But initially, he was still more of a golden color........Ryder is as pale as a ghost.

Oh and he loooooooooves his "Hunter" blankets. We never went ANYWHERE without a few of these for Hunter. It was his special kind of blanket and it always brought him so much comfort. We now use them all the time for Ryder and he seems to love them just as much.

Hunter



Ryder


I know that when Ryder was first born, Zen and I both, honestly wanted to see Hunter come popping back out........we were so hoping that he somehow got back into my belly and was going to have a chance to come out in a brand new body with absolutely perfect blood. We obviously knew that this truly was not going to be the case - but we so desperately wanted to see Hunter again and let him have another chance at life. It's amazing how much we want him back home......safe and sound......away from all evils.

Hunter at 6 months. Healthy as can be........

So all in all, regarding our mental and emotional state of mind - it basically still hurts like hell and has affected us deeper than we ever imagined. We still get hit pretty hard, on a daily basis, with what continues to be our reality.

When we see videos or photos of Hunter, which is often............wow - the sadness that beats us down is pretty much indescribable. So many emotions at once. Intense heartache. An overwhelming feeling of loss. Love........deep, pure love. Happiness, enjoyment and appreciation for what he was......and the wonderful way in which he always carried himself. Sadness. A very powerful and heavy burden of sadness. It always ends in sadness. We miss our lil' love like crazy.

Usually I find myself needing to hear his voice or wanting to remember his cute lil' personality. We have videos upon videos upon videos. So it's quite easy for me to get very lost in my Hunter world. As soon as his face hits the screen and his wonderful lil' words come out of his mouth.........it's all over. It basically becomes a torture session. It is so incredibly painful to see him and hear him and not be able to touch him or hold him. I am so damn tired of gently touching his cheeks on my cold, flat computer screen.........just trying so desperately to remember the softness of his skin. I want to smooch his lil' face and grab his lil' body and snuggle with it beyond belief. My heart just aches.........painfully aches to the point of wanting to vomit. It's completely surreal. It's the biggest struggle for me to piece together what really happened and what we've lost. I just can't believe that something so amazing and so important to me and so REAL and full of love and beautiful energy.......is just gone. Disappeared into the clear blue skies. My first child.......my lil' bundle of love.......my best lil' buddy......is dead. wow. Just doesn't seem possible for this to really be my life.

It's now been 9 months since we lost him and it seems as if the pain, that we thought was going to become easier, has only intensified. The horrible reality of his death is sinking in more and more every month that passes. We've fully realized what we've lost and it's painfully crushing and so terribly heart breaking. Zen and I were talking after one of our Hunter crying sessions and I had mentioned that losing a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone in their lifetime. He basically made me take that back. He said he doesn't like to think of it that way and we should try to think of it a bit differently. It makes him feel as if there is no recovery..........and that "that's it".......once something like that happens you should just throw in the towel and call it quits because you will never resurface from such devastation. I agreed with him......and would want nothing more than a different outlook on our tragedy. And I definitely don't want to feel as if we are doomed for the rest of our life. However, we are now two totally different people with many, many layers......and the bottom layer of both of our souls is a very thick layer of sadness. We now carry it with us wherever we go. It's there. Sometimes it's possible to hide it behind other emotions and laughter.......but at the end of the day - it's the layer of sadness that we take to bed with us.

Here is a very artistic shot of our tear tissues. This was our collection after watching about 30 minutes of Hunter videos. Each one was used MULTIPLE times. We now keep a handy roll of toilet paper accessible at every main area of the house.

Sooooooo I will now end this posting with the things that I am grateful for............I am grateful for another child, I am grateful for his health. I am grateful for my husband and I am grateful for his love. I am grateful for the 3 1/2 years that we got to spend with Hunter......and I am grateful for his life. I am grateful that we are able to get up and out of bed every morning........and continue living. I am grateful that our hearts still seem to beat........even though they are still terribly broken.

Zen and Ryder in Hollywood

Day at the Sea - Hunter's Song

MUSIC VIDEO





BUY this song for 99 Cents and help support the FIGHT.

3 Options for purchasing this Cool song:

BandCamp: (Name your own Price)
http://healinghunter.bandcamp.com/tra...

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http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/day-...

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..............................................................................

Too Cool To Die

Love = Power,
Power = Strength,
Strength = Courage

These children fight like hell,
and they're too cool to die.

Please share the song......Please share the love

...............................................................................

Hunter's Mom on Twitter:
http://twitter.com/#!/lenoredavis

Hunter's Dad on Twitter:
http://twitter.com/#!/zentodd

.......................................................................................

This is the MOST perfect song to celebrate the life and courageous spirit of our lil' love. Created by Simone Benyacar and Alexis Harte, they've truly captured the essence of Hunter, the happiness of his ife and the power of his love.

Please support the FIGHT:

100% of the proceeds go into the Healing Hunter Fund where they will be appropriately dispersed to the research efforts towards AML Leukemia, families touched by cancer, as well as to the organizations that so graciously helped, supported and encouraged us during Hunter's fight. We could not have done it without them and they will be forever appreciated.

.........................................................................................


How this beautiful Song came about:


A few months ago we were asked to write a song. This is not an unusual request, but it was the most difficult song we have ever written. It wasn't just any song. It was a Song for Hunter.

Hunter was a little boy who lost his battle with AML Leukemia on March 8th 2010. He was kind, brave and hilariously funny. He was only 3 1/2 years old. We never met Hunter, but we discovered his story through a friend of ours who introduced us to his parents' blog that documented his journey. Reading about his courage and looking into his eyes though pictures, we realized that we had to do something. "Something" became a song in his honor.

We first decided to write a song as a gift to his parents. But then we realized that we could do something bigger. We could help other children and their families who are battling this disease. So we decided to write a song that honored Hunter while raising money for leukemia research through the Healing Hunter Foundation. (www.healinghunter.com)

Now we had a goal, but that didn't make it any easier. How we could possibly write something meaningful enough to honor such an amazing boy? A very tall order indeed. After many weeks and many unfinished songs in the garbage, we finally found our inspiration.

Inspiration came in the from of a little home video of Hunter and his parents at the beach, enjoying the sun, the breeze, and the crashing waves. Hunter was so happy, and his infectious smile and giggle brought us all the more close to him. How do we honor Hunter? The answer was simple...celebrate his life.

And so, a "Day At The Sea" was born. It took us nearly 4 months to compose, record (including recording an amazing children choir), produce and mix the final version.

We truly hope you enjoy the song and help us spread the word to raise money for much needed research.

Thank You

Alexis Harte
Simone Benyacar

Go to HealingHunter.com for all 72 COMMENTS:

The Spirit of Halloween

Haven't posted in quite awhile. Days come and go and life just continues to be flying by. It's now been almost 8 months since Hunter's been gone and it sometimes feels as if it was a lifetime ago. There are times when he feels so very close to me and there are times when he's just so far away. Too far.

On Halloween last year, Hunter was still recovering from his Bone Marrow Transplant and his Graft vs. Host. He had been bed ridden for months and on Halloween night, Hunter took his very first steps again on his own. He was laying on the couch and surprised us and just got up and walked across the room to come sit with us. It was such an incredible moment of strength and determination on his part. His lil' body had been broken down so many times and he always found a way to come back from the total devastation. We were soooooooo thrilled and excited and overjoyed. Our lil' man was walking again! We were visiting the Kobbe's at the time and had walked up to their house with the stroller and I remember the walk home.......we were all just so damn happy. It seemed as if NOTHING was going to defeat us.

So here we are now, defeated, the first Halloween without Hunter - celebrating it without him here. It's a little hard because last year's Halloween was just so memorable and such an important one for us. Hunter was still alive and still fighting and we honestly thought our second chance at life was going to stick and we were going to be able to keep Hunter forever. We all had been through so much at this point.....it just seemed fair for us to be free from the cancer.



He has surprised me in my dreams. He was there on his birthday and he showed up again two nights ago. That makes a total of 8 times that he's been in my dreams in 8 months. I honestly thought he'd be in my dreams so much more. Every time he comes I always know that my time is limited. I try to get in as much time with him as possible before he goes away.....not knowing when I'll see him again. The last two times he's been healthy and happy......no machines, no chemo, no nose hose. It's nice to see him well.

Zen and I still have very broken hearts. We hold on to each other for dear life. The other day I woke up angry. I was just in a pisser of a mood and Zen just kind of let me go through it. By 11am I just sank my head into my hands and tried to regroup and start my day off a little differently. Zen just hugged me tight and told me to just let it out. And so I did. I don't have many angry days......usually the emotion that hits me the hardest is sadness and not anger. Both emotions kind of suck and are ones I'm not used to carrying around with me. Looking forward to the days when they are slightly lifted.

Me, Frank and Hunter on Halloween two years ago. This was when he was in remission and stamped "cured" after his first 5 rounds of chemo in LA. Little did we know what was waiting for us around the corner.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN my sweet lil' prince. Love and miss you soooooooo much! Sending tons and tons of smooches up to you today.....I want to fill your Halloween bucket with as many kisses as possible! XoXo



Our newest lil' Halloween Pumpkin. This lil' man gets so much love it's sincerely comical. All day long he's smooched and tickled and entertained. I'm sure he feels pretty special......which he should. He has saved our lives. He has saved our love. He has saved our spirits.

Days without Hunter........

Here are just a few random journals that I wrote on JournalEngine over the last few months.

Zen and I at the Sundance Film Festival the week before we found out we were pregnant with Hunter. Ready to take on the responsibilities of parenting - we were just absolutely THRILLED to be having a baby.

In this photo our lives had already changed and we had weathered one of the storms. This was one of the happier days of our lives. Hunter was in remission after 5 rounds of chemo in Los Angeles and was doing exceptionally well. We couldn't have asked for anything more.

JULY 22nd, 2010

Woke up at 5:30 am today and just laid in bed. Finally just decided to get up at 6:30. Trying to figure out my frame of mind and work myself through it. I went into the bathroom and put two barrettes in my hair - one was a little sparkly. Zen made a comment that I looked surprisingly "chipper" this morning, despite the fact that it was a little too early for me to get up and out of bed. I lightly smiled. As I walked down the stairs to make our morning coffee, tears just rolled down my face as if I had been crying for months. They come so naturally now. They stopped by the time I had the water boiled. I blew my nose. Wiped my face. And headed back upstairs. He never sensed my tears. I'd rather keep them to myself at this moment and not influence the start of his day.....he seems to be doing ok right now and I don't want to make him feel sad. I'm sure my day will get better as I go.....looking forward to smiling.

Life's simple pleasures.......having a husband that I truly love with all my heart, and knowing he loves me back - just as much.

Hunter Helping me blow a kiss. This was when he was stamped "cured" after his treatment in Los Angeles. It was his first day in a park in 9 months.

JULY 17th, 2010

Still processing.............our days seem to be going by quicker and we are finding many things that continue to make us smile and laugh. But there is still an underlying sadness that we seem to carry with us wherever we go. It just takes the tiniest of triggers to bring us back to Hunter and all of our memories. The sad things still make us sad, the happy things.......still make us sad.......and the realization that he's gone - just breaks us down to nothing. It's almost been 5 months now and it truly seems as if it's getting harder and not much easier. We have found some joy in life since his death - but it's definitely not the same.

Ryder is due to make his appearance any day now and we are ANXIOUSLY awaiting his arrival. I was 2cm dilated last Thursday and my body has definitely changed since then - so maybe by the weekend we'll have another lil' bundle in our arms to love and squeeze and shower with tenderness and kisses.

All of my focus will be on our new baby. I feel as if I've come to terms with Hunter's death and that mentally and emotionally I am ready to fully love and devote my entire being to another child. I desperately wish I had two children now, instead of one........and I desperately wish that Hunter was here to show his lil' brother how to be a true champion and get through life with nothing but grace and courage, but so be it. Zen and I will have to pass those lessons and qualities along. I guess I will count my blessings that we were able to even conceive another child and be granted the opportunity to be parents again. We really do feel quite lucky. As Zen puts it......"We are the luckiest, unlucky people around".

Pregnant with Ryder up at Timberline Lodge.

JUNE 28th, 2010

Stayed really busy this weekend with friends in town and spending days outside enjoying the weather. It felt really nice. A very welcomed change from staying inside and working on the computer all day - only leaving to run errands. Plus the sun was shining - so it was warm and just felt soooooooo cozy.

Our friends came in from LA to visit and just had a baby who is now 2 months old. It was refreshing and sad at the same time. But I'll have to say........in the end.....I had more happy thoughts about our life and what's to come than depressing ones. It was very exciting to see another lil' life that was so new and tiny and open to everything that he was exposed to. I'm getting very excited about having our new addition to our family and just can't wait to squeeze him and spend all my days and nights with him. Only 6 more weeks to go!

Zen with Hunter when he was 1 month old.

FATHER'S DAY, 2010

Today started off kinda sad. I saw tears roll down Zen's face as he sat up in bed. I knew today wasn't going to be "easy", but I wasn't quite sure how he was going to take it on. I asked him what he had on his plate today and if there was anything in particular that he wanted to do or any special meals he wanted me to prepare, he said, "no.....not really". He has since gotten out of bed and has started his day and is staying pretty busy. While he was out at Home Depot, I got all my good cries out so that I didn't make his day any worse. I then washed my face, got dressed and headed down to the kitchen so that he came home to a happier environment.

I fixed him poached eggs with bacon and apple sausage and Dave's Killer toast.....his favorite bread. He gobbled it down with a smile, but still seems to have a certain sadness about him. On Mother's day......my sadness pretty much stayed with me all day - so I am assuming his probably will as well.

He is now putting up the backsplash in our kitchen with his friend. I don't hear any music down there.......it seems pretty quiet. So maybe I'll go down and start some cool tunes and add a smile to the room. I'm sure it's needed.

Zen with Hunter when he was 6 months old.


Zen with Hunter on the beaches of Australia. An amazing trip that we will never, ever forget.

JUNE 14th, 2010

What do I see in the world that is awesome.......hmmmmm...........there are actually so many things that I see that are awesome - despite our personal tragedy.

But in order to see those things, I'm having to restructure my thoughts and retrain my mind to head in the positive directions first - so that I AM able to continue to see the good, so that I can embrace the positive and so that I can "stop and smell the roses". Every morning and every night is a huge struggle for me. I have to think about how I am going to start my day and how I am going to end it. My dreams are always very vivid and I usually always remember them, so my last thoughts that cross my mind before I close my eyes to go to sleep are very important. They can make or break me the following day.

This month is particularly hard. Hunter has now been gone for 3 months and it's hard to continue to accept that life is just going on as usual. Time is passing by and nothing has stopped and stood still, other than me and my husband.

Tomorrow is the year anniversary of his Bone Marrow Transplant. The transplant that was "supposed" to save his life. Well it didn't save his life. After all that hard work and after all of the treatments and radiation and emotional struggles.........his life was still cut short. And we feel forever defeated.

Then there is also Father's day. Mother's day wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be, but still..........pretty sad. A long day and one that took me in and out of sad fogs from the early morning well into the nightfall. I know that in most cases, women are slightly more emotional than men - so my husband might not be hit as hard as I was......but still........his precious son is gone and on Father's day, he will be a father without a child.

SO.......here we are.......needing to go on.....needing to continue to live and not wanting to fall off the face of the earth in all of our sorrows. In order to go on, we MUST think of the positive. We have to take all of the goodness that came out of our experience and embrace THAT as opposed to the never ending pain and heartache. And we are forced to look at the future to keep ourselves strong for the following days to come.

The world didn't stop the day Hunter died. Many luminaries have been lit, many races have been run and many people have continued to be inspired by his courageous battle. He's a true warrior and still has so much to teach. He'll keep contributing to the love in this world every single day that he is thought of, remembered and honored.

His transplant didn't end up saving his life, but it did give us 9 more months of pure total enjoyment with him. Granted we had lots of hurdles to overcome in those nine months and it was extremely challenging - but we got to see his personality shine like we've never seen it shine before. He amazed us with his charm and his never ending amounts of wonderful giggles and his beautiful spirit that has touched so many and has stolen our hearts.........forever.

And Father's day is what it is........a day.........just another day. We won't miss him any more than we already do on that particular day. That would be impossible. We are choosing to honor our lil' love and will always do so, but we are also going to appreciate the blessing of the next child that we will bring into this world in two months. So Zen WILL be a father again.......all in due time. And he is an amazing father and deserves that more than anything in this whole wideawesome world.

Hunter after his relapse getting ready for his Bone Marrow Transplant.



Hunter after his Bone Marrow Transplant......just soaking up the smiles.

JUNE 4TH, 2010

My promise to myself is to stay very busy and productive. I usually am.......but I am going to make an even bigger effort to really knock some things out. Plus it will make the time go by waaaaaaaaaay faster. And I am all for that - but only for the next 3 months. Then I would like for time to crawl along very turtle like.

I've been updating all of our photography blogs, pages and twitter buzz......I've continued to schedule clients for more upcoming shoots and I am going to complete Hunter's book in the next 2-3 weeks. Hunter's book is something I think I embrace and shy away from all at once. It's getting harder and harder to see his beautiful face and not break down and drown in my puddle of tears. Wow, I miss him in my life. Our horrible tragedy just seems to be hitting me harder and harder every day we are away from him. It's truly amazing what I would be willing to give up to have him in my arms.......if only for a day.

I promise to survive.

On our way to the hospital for a clinic check-up. Routine at this point.......something we had to do 2-3 times a week after his transplant.

MAY 16th, 2010

It's 12:10 am and I can't sleep. We were watching Seinfeld and I was attempting to close my eyes and head off to dreamland, but somehow it didn't work out as planned. As soon as we turned off the TV......my mind immediately went to Hunter. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind, and just then, Zen quietly asked me if I was trying to clear my mind of memories. As soon as he asked........my eyes welled up with tears. We laid in bed and mentioned a few of our "Hunter" moments, which triggered more tears....which didn't seem to really comfort me. Then we tried to go to sleep again. Didn't work for me. I continued to think of just how horrible our situation was and just how unfair it was for Hunter to get sick. And just how sad I was during his last 3 weeks before he died. I kept trying to push these thoughts aside and think of the good memories, but even those made me sad. I so desperately want to hold him and squeeze him and smooch his tiny little face..........I feel as if I am going insane.

Zen heard me struggling and crying and I'm sure my rapid heartbeat was causing the bed to shake......he reminded me once again to try to think of the good times. Think of him dancing and his little side shuffle and his fantastic moves. His little giggle.

Nothing was working. I was just plainly falling apart.

I eventually got up and threw some water on my face and here I am.

I am going to attempt to go to sleep right now.............Hunter was our gift..........and I am doing my best to accept and to deal with what happened to our "gift". It's truly taking all my strength and every last bit of courage to face what is now our every day life.

Hunter in Oregon, right before he relapsed. He hadn't been feeling too good, and we were already starting the pediatrician visits trying to figure out what was wrong. We were desperately hoping that he just had a cold or a virus..........or some sort of flu bug. ANYTHING but cancer. Three weeks later, on my birthday, they told us that his cancer was back and he'd now have to get a Bone Marrow Transplant to survive.

MAY 14th, 2010

Just Another BLOW...

........just picked up Hunter's death certificate......just when I think that we've already been hit with all of the major blows - one more sneaks up on us and brutally punches us right in the gut. Guess I am going to pick myself up off the ground now, wipe my tears, put a sweet smile on my face and blow a kiss up to the sky.

That was my posting on Facebook on Wednesday and it's still kind of hitting us pretty hard.Zen got out of bed early this morning and when I woke shortly after, I heard him downstairs sobbing.I immediately ran down and wrapped my arms around him and joined in on the tears.When I rushed by his computer, I saw that he was reading our blog post from Hunter's last day.We usually try not to go there.......it just opens up the flood gates to pain.....but it's sadly our life and that's all we have left and those are, unfortunately, our memories.However, we definitely have better memories than the ones from that day - but sometimes we just get stuck and go back to his blog to read it and see him and low and behold, before we know it, we are back to that dreadful day.

Blog Posting from Hunter's Last Day

Our life has definitely become extremely more challenging......trying our best every day to find the joy and happiness that we once used to share, especially with our child that we miss so terribly.I know someday it will return, but it will never be as full.

I LOVED this day. He was feeling so good and was so happy. I honestly thought we had won the battle and he was going to be with us forever.

MOTHER'S DAY, 2010

Woke up at 5am and laid in bed for an hour thinking.

As I sat up 4 tears rolled down my face, thinking about what my day has in store for me.......

I immediately felt the need to write Hunter a message -

Hey sweetness......it's Mother's Day and you're on my mind like crazy. I'm looking forward to feeling your sweet presence with me all day. You're an amazing son and I couldn't imagine having lived my life without you. I am so incredibly proud of you. You're courageous spirit and your brilliant attitude will float me through my life with wonderful thoughts to constantly hold on to......I will never let them go. I have many precious and amazing memories to cherish and I am forever holding those in my heart.....along with your tiny little toes that used to rest in my lap every morning and every night. I love you deeply......and always will.....Mom

Mother's Day

...........wishing it would come and go........yet, feel the need to experience it and face it and make it a beautiful experience for myself.

To be a mother without a child on Mother's Day is not something I would have ever guessed I would have to endure. And yet, here I am.

So I've decided to tackle Hunter's and Ryder's room and make it a place of healing and a place of beauty and a place where their energy becomes one. Instead of a place where I enter and leave, crawling out on my hands and knees with tears that never seem to end. I feel as if it will make me feel closer to both my children. My child that has sadly departed and my child that will soon be arriving.

During and after Mother's Day, I am going to focus on positive healing and energize my spirit and my soul with Hunter's love and the newly found love that will exist for Ryder.

Me with Hunter when he was 3 months old.

MAY 4th, 2010

Broken Hearted...

Wow.....I'm just amazed at how much my heart aches....every moment of every day.

It will be 2 months on Saturday that Hunter's been gone.It seriously feels like forever.Sometimes it feels as if he was never here.It really does just seem impossible that something so wonderful and amazing was ours, and then all of a sudden it's just gone.Just doesn't seem like something so horrible could have really happened to us and to our child.

I am still working on not allowing Hunter's last 3 days alive haunt me.A mother never wants to see her child suffer.......and I think when it happens, it's something that is never forgotten.It will be one of my battles for the rest of my life.

I used to love butterflies.I loved their beauty, their vibrant colors and the way they would flutter by so carelessly.I remember going to a butterfly pavilion in Colorado once and one came by and landed right on my nose.I felt like the luckiest girl alive....such a pure connection.I also remember learning that day how short a butterfly's life was.Some only live for days, some for weeks and some for months.I felt the need then to let my love for butterflies leave me because the thought of their life being so short just saddened me.That same emotion is surfacing with Hunter.His incredibly short life span brings such a painful hurt to my heart and I am saddened beyond belief, however, with Hunter, my love for him continues to grow.In fact it gets stronger and more powerful every single day that he's gone.My heart and mind won't allow me to let go......and I don't want to let go.I want to hold on to him with everything I've got.I know my strength will get me through our toughest times.......but I just wish, I could hold him one more time, or smooch his beautiful face one more time or tell him how much I love him........just one more time.I'd give anything......

In the hospital at Doernbechers during his relapse. He was heading towards his second remission and things were looking positive.

APRIL 27th, 2010

What's working for us right now is the love and devotion that Zen and I have towards each others healing.Despite the overwhelming amounts of sadness that sneaks up on us and brings us to our knees in our puddles of tears, we are somehow able to comfort one another and save each other from drowning.Sometimes he rescues me, sometimes I rescue him, and sometimes we just swim around in our tears with our eyes closed tight, wishing desperately that when we open them, Hunter will be standing there in front of us, smiling and giggling, letting us know that he's home to stay.

But he's not there.He's never going to be there again, standing in front of us, smiling and giggling.........and that's what's NOT working for us.We're devastated.We're sad, we're angry, we're hurt and overall.........we are just not happy with the way that Hunter's life ended.And our life used to be nothing BUT happiness.And all of a sudden, it's taking a whole lot of effort to just find some genuine smiles within our days that last longer than a few seconds.There is a looming cloud of sadness that hangs over our souls and it's ever so present and so not enjoyable.Zen and I still share a good bit of laughter together, but that laughter is always chased by our reality...........and our reality right now is every parents worst nightmare.

New Years Eve 2009. Thinking we were on our way to Hunter being healed and everything finally being OK - The start of our new life. Hunter fell sick shortly after and we were back and forth in the hospital until they found signs of his cancer about a month and half later. When we took this picture - I NEVER would have believed that he was going to be gone in 3 months. I would have never let go.

Life, Pain and Heartache...

A letter from a dear friend......

Just can't seem to break this sadness........

I feel as if someone has stolen my smile.

From Samantha:

Your smile is with Hunter right now...it will find it's way back when Ryder arrives, but it will not be as whole. It is just a different smile than you once had.

Scarlett sleeps better at night knowing Angel Hunter is with her. I know it means shit...and the loss of Hunter is a pure tragedy. No words can make you smile, but know every day I think about Hunter and his little soul reminds me to be loving to my children no matter how tired I am...no matter how many times I get up in the night with my girls and would prefer not to...he reminds me to just love them and cuddle them every chance I get. Because of you, Zen and Hunter - I am a better mom. And because of Hunter...his little brother Ryder is going to be loved more every day than most kids will ever be loved.

Lenore you have changed peoples lives in amazing ways. I imagine it does not take any sadness away or make you feel better, but without your strength and courage to share your hurt, your sadness...lots of parents in this world would be taking their kids for granted. People are fighting hard in Hunter's memory to find a cure for his type of cancer. This is all because of YOU. I hope that you can find it in you to smile at yourself and tell yourself how truly amazing you are.

I want to thank you for all you do to make me appreciate my life and the blessing my girls are.

Sending you lots of love and strength.

Lots of Love from Colorado

****************************

From Me:

Your message broke me into pieces. I am so, so sad and what you said in the beginning is unfortunately true......and it made me realize, again, what I'm up against for the rest of my life. I will never smile that way again. I know I'll smile and I know life will get better, but it will never be as wonderful as it was......it just can't be. Our son died. Our lil' love was taken from us.....and taken from us in an extremely horrific way. Some of the most crushing days are the days that I remember Hunter's last 3 weeks, or watch Hunter's last video. I'm traumatized. The fact that Zen and I had to do our best to enjoy Hunter for as long and as much as we possibly could, while he laid there and died right before our eyes is just so brutal. As a mother and father.......it's our own personal hell. Watching our beautiful and innocent child die is beyond mental repair.

His little body just deteriorated towards the end and he tried so hard for so long.....it's just not fair. Once he had his final relapse and we knew he was going to die, we tried to get him out and show him as much as we could for as long as we were going to have. I will forever remember taking him to the Portland Zoo - a place where kids are supposed to have fun and run around and see the animals. Well Hunter's visit was a little different. It was one of his last "hurrah's". He was not having a good day and seemed to be in some discomfort and was doped up on versed and oxycodone, and it was hard to know how much of the zoo he was actually enjoying. We strolled him around and showed him every single wonderful animal there was to see. Sometimes he laughed, sometimes he just sat there and stared and sometimes it seemed like he just didn't care. To take him around in this surrounding while other children were running around and playing and enjoying themselves to no end was so hard for Zen and I. Not to mention all the kids were staring at Hunter because of his "nose hose" and were wondering why HE wasn't up and running around like them - wondering if he was "sick". Little did they know that he was going to be dead two weeks later. That alone sticks a dagger in my heart like no other. Every time we drive by the zoo, which is often, I feel sick to my stomach and my heart painfully breaks. Such a terrible reminder of what our family had to go through.......and witness.......and endure. Zen and I have said that as soon as Ryder is born and can open his eyes and take things in........we're taking him to the zoo. We need to have another memory to associate it with - but the zoo, unfortunately, will never be the same for us. For the rest of our lives. And the same goes for Disneyland. The weekend we were supposed to go to Disneyland, was the last weekend that Hunter was alive. He never made it. He never got to see Disneyland. He wasn't supposed to die that quickly. I feel as if I now hate Disneyland and hate thinking about it or hearing about it, just because of the terribly sad thoughts that soon follow.

And the list goes on and on.....

So I know that these are the mental challenges that we have to face and not acknowledge on a daily basis. And I know that it's better to focus on the good and not so much on the sad. But, for us, everything is still sad. Seeing him smiling in photos, makes us sad. Seeing him having a good time dancing, makes us sad. And seeing photos of us together as a family, living life and enjoying EVERYTHING, no matter what we were up against.......makes us sad. We miss him so much and when we start to think about him and what a wonderful child he truly was - our walls come tumbling down and the tears flow like a raging river........and just don't seem to stop.

You finished your message with a lot of wonderful points. And I am so aware of those things and are forever appreciative for what Hunter has brought into this world. I refer to his life as a wonderful, wonderful tragedy. I am so thrilled and couldn't be more proud of how he affected people and their perspectives and the way they now chose to live life. I am honored to have a son that has inspired as many people as he has - he has lit a flame in many peoples hearts and in many peoples souls. And I am forever grateful that he is bringing an awareness to other parents so that they DON'T take anything for granted and DO love their children more, and fully appreciate what true treasures they are and to embrace that with every last morsel in their bodies. And I also couldn't be happier about the fundraising and research efforts and the number of people that are running for Hunter and all the other lil' soldiers out there that have lost the battle, are still fighting or are about to suit up to begin the fight. He continues to challenge people and motivate people and make people give it their all.......for much longer than they ever thought they could. His story brings it close to home for many, many people........and I love that. I love that he is still making a difference and will do so for a long, long time.

But I am torn that it was at the expense of my child.

Ryder's birth will bring a much needed joy into our lives. Another child to live for and care for and love beyond belief. But I feel as if I will be forever sad that we now only have one son.......and not two. I will be forever sad that Hunter and Ryder will not be growing up in this world together, with us, living life, discovering life and loving life.

There will be ups and downs for the rest of our days. We'll have good days and bad days for the rest of our lives. And in the very end......I still want Hunter back and wish so desperately that he was still here with us, in my arms.....I miss his love. I miss his smile. I miss his affection. I miss his love for life. I miss my lil' man.

Samantha, thank you for always being so open and honest with me and for encouraging me to find my smile. Thank you for everything you've done for my family. Thank you for sharing Hunter with your girls. Thank you for your loving friendship. And thank you for your amazing heart. You've been traveling this journey with us for quite some time now and I am very happy to have you by my side.

I'm looking forward to finding some sort of smile that will soon rest upon my face and unburden me from such sadness.

With so much love and heartfelt appreciation, Lenore

Our trip to the Zoo