I've noticed that there is a natural state of sadness that rests upon my face whenever I am not fully occupied or engaged in any other activity. This has become my present "being" and it's now been this way for 3 1/2 months. Such a drastic change from what my life was like before.
I am still often in a daze and whenever I have a chance to glance off and think about Hunter or my life......my mind seems to take full advantage. It's still hard for me to focus on other people and their interests. It's still hard for me to look at other children and not wonder about Hunter and how he would have been at age 4 or 6 or 10.......or graduating from High School. It's still hard for me to fully accept what has happened and that I am a mother who has lost a child. Almost everything is.......still hard.
I'm hoping that if I were to "fast forward" and see my life a year from now.....my natural state that rests upon my face will be replaced with one that is full of hope, full of life and full of some level of happiness that we'll be able to achieve. This new child that we are about to give birth to will in fact deliver many of those things. This new love is saving Zen and I from ultimate destruction.
Lenore I wish I had better words for you. I struggle with the same in terms of "how would she be" and as you know it was my little cousin and not my daughter. My daughter is 12 and many milestones trigger sadness. First day of middle school, dance recitals, first crushes, etc I relish experiencing that with my daughter but I often think "Teresa won't have that" "Teresa didn't get to" Been 5 years now and I STILL get physically sick thinking these things. IT is a cruel never ending cycle.
ReplyDeleteSending you all of my love and hugs and kisses
Your stranger friend
Kayla
You carry him with you "every moment of every hour of every day"
ReplyDeleteAnd so will Ryder :)which I think is pretty neat!!!
I get it! Unfortunately so. Thinking of you. "A mother who has lost a child"....not something anyone thinks would be them, that is for sure. Having a hard time embracing others and their interest/issues...this is still so difficult for me. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteTerry Robertson Ince - I love to read your thoughts... A journey taken on an endless path, it all seems so familiar... So real, so surreal; so near, so far; it's where I've been but where am I going? You always make me think... Thanks! Sending love... xxoo
ReplyDeleteTami Sullivan - i don't understand totally how you feel, but your words and this picture resonate in my heart. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMariela M. Camara - Your face will soon be busy smiling, kissing, loving your new angel.xx
ReplyDeleteJanet Melton Byrum - I noticed that a while ago;( This picture made me sit and cry for hours for you when I first saw it!
ReplyDeleteYes, you will be busy soon, I hope that Ryder brings you sweet memories of Hunter and that everyday you see pieces of him in his little bro! Some will bring instant tears of sadness, some will bring pure joy! In the pictures you will see the healing process. Focus on giving Ryder the incredible life that Hunter was robbed of....for Hunter;) Then you will never stop smiling!!!! Imagine yourself telling him all about his amazing, Super Hero Brother watching over him in LOVE... xxxxxooooo
RickandCourtney Fowler-Kelly - My heart is seriously broken for you my sweet, strong friend ((()))
ReplyDeleteJodi Helffenstein - thinking of you always.
ReplyDeleteHadley Fried - i know. it's hard, huh?
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the love you guys..........for whatever reason, this month has been pretty tough. Looking forward to somewhat "easier" days. Xo
ReplyDeleteLenore,
ReplyDeleteYou are every right about the whole focusing thing....I still feel sometimes as though I am in a daze. I still wish the whole thing were just a bad dream. It does get better...the fog seems to slowly lift with time. It still rolls in every once in awhile, but it is not as deep or dense as it once was. Keep moving forward, and keep your chin up : )
Love and prayers,
Monica Miyashita, Mama to ^Liddy^ and Max
still think of your little family every day. you're never far from my thoughts, or my family's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteJulie Serafina Pardee - Hoping the sun is bringing you some warm love.
ReplyDeleteHi Lenore, My son, Gautam, is close, I think, age wise to Hunter (he turned 3 in February)and I remember seeing you in the clinic and when we were in patient a few times. We were in the clinic today and we saw a boy who reminded us an awful lot of Hunter. We miss seeing you there, pushing Hunter in the stroller round and around and around, pausing just briefly to check if he was asleep and then continuing some more.
ReplyDeleteMuch love and strength,
Anita
Thanks so much Anita.......I miss those days. I'd stroll him around forever if I had too - he loved to just keep on going and going and going. He was never much for staying still.
ReplyDeleteSending much love and hope to you and Gautam and the rest of your family. I hope your hospital stays are short and you get to spend lots of time at home enjoying life the way we were meant to. Keep on fighting.......XoXoXo
Praying for you that things somehow get a little easier. I know how much you miss your little man... that may never go away. But I do hope that this new life brings some peace and joy to your lives. When is the new little one due?
ReplyDeleteThanks Katie............missin' him like crazy - and I don't expect it will ever go away. He's forever stolen my heart.
ReplyDeleteRyder is due on August 13th - so only about 6 more weeks and we'll have Hunter's lil' brother in our arms!!! CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!! XoXoXo
Dear Lenore,
ReplyDeleteI came across your beautiful son's incredible story. It has of course completely brought me to tears...but I am so happy to have seen his pictures and the adorable video of him dancing. Although I do not know you personally, I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and your little angle. I wish only the best for you and your family. I hope that you will soon find peace and happiness. You are obviously an amazing mother, because you raised such an amazing little boy. Try not to think of who he would have been in the future...but instead think of the incredible little person he was and how many people's hearts he touched. You are and will continue to be in my thoughts. Blessings from Chicago. <3
Thank you so much Brenda for reaching out and sharing your heart and tears. I'm glad you saw him dancing.......that will always be one of my favorite memories. He was such an awesome lil' groover. I know Ryder will be his own little person - but I am secretly hoping he's got Hunter's rhythm and love for music.....it was always such a treat to watch! Xo
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