I've noticed that there is a natural state of sadness that rests upon my face whenever I am not fully occupied or engaged in any other activity. This has become my present "being" and it's now been this way for 3 1/2 months. Such a drastic change from what my life was like before.
I am still often in a daze and whenever I have a chance to glance off and think about Hunter or my life......my mind seems to take full advantage. It's still hard for me to focus on other people and their interests. It's still hard for me to look at other children and not wonder about Hunter and how he would have been at age 4 or 6 or 10.......or graduating from High School. It's still hard for me to fully accept what has happened and that I am a mother who has lost a child. Almost everything is.......still hard.
I'm hoping that if I were to "fast forward" and see my life a year from now.....my natural state that rests upon my face will be replaced with one that is full of hope, full of life and full of some level of happiness that we'll be able to achieve. This new child that we are about to give birth to will in fact deliver many of those things. This new love is saving Zen and I from ultimate destruction.