.......time passes by.....

It's been 3 months since Hunter has passed. Feels like years. Sometimes I feel as if I never had a child and it was all just a dream. A wonderful, heartfelt, life changing dream.........that forever ends as a nightmare.

I don't ever want to erase his existence or run from my memories to avoid the pain, but it's completely surreal to think of everything that has happened over the last 2.5 years and the magnitude of what we have lost. Just doesn't seem possible.

When I think that Hunter is dead - when those particular words actually enter into my mind, it seems too tragic to be real. I don't WANT to believe it. I still don't want to accept it, yet every single day I wake, I am forced to look our reality in the face. And somehow I'm supposed to still find the strength to get out of bed and go on with my day. I find that if I lay in bed too long - I'm taken over by my sadness......so it's best to just get OUT and deal with it. Most mornings the fog settles or clears and I am able to concentrate on other things. But it is definitely a huge effort on my part. I am having to control my mind like never before and it's constantly being challenged or attacked by our past and it's an ongoing battle that I deal with throughout my entire day.

I think the hardest part is not wanting to let go. I want to remember EVERYTHING.......always. All of his little habits, everything that made him giggle, all of the things he enjoyed and everything he expressed. I find myself looking at videos and photographs just to get a glimpse of him and all of his sweetness. However, seeing his sweet face and his charming attitude and his cheerful approach to life just absolutely crushes me. I crumble to no end and my sorrow embraces me with such intensity.....and doesn't seem to let go. It's such a hard blow to my heart, my mind, my gut and my spirit. To think that he will never be in my arms again, at least not in this lifetime, is just so unbearable to believe. My sweet, sweet love.

I am still so, so sad. I still wake up and cry sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes I still cry before I go to sleep and sometimes I still cry when I wake up. My heart still feels as if it is broken into a million pieces, slightly mended, but so far from being healed. And my soul still feels empty. My entire being is longing for a child. Longing for the child I had and longing for the next child that I am about to have. I am desperately feeling the need to share my love.

I'm doing my best to survive and work happily towards brighter days, but sometimes brighter days just seem so far away. At least the brighter days that existed when Hunter was still alive.

I've realized that in this lovely healing process, there are things that help me move on and encourage my healing, and there are also things that hold me back. The things that hold me back are the things that I AM able to let go of....and I am trying my hardest to let myself do just that.

The things that come to mind that I am finding seem to bring me down are these.........

I can't listen to sad music. Whenever a sad, sappy songs comes on the radio or on my computer I have to immediately change it. It seems as if every sad song I hear applies to our life or our experience in one way or another. Not very much fun to constantly remember the sad times. So I choose to tune them out.

I can't click on his photos on our blogs or on facebook when they randomly appear when I'm doing updates or postings. I've found that when I do, I get locked into looking at the album they came from and it immediately brings me to tears. It makes me realize again......what's been taken from us. I have to be very selective as to when I allow myself to go there.....it brings me into another world and sometimes I can't find my way back.

I can't stare at the photos that we have up in the house of him for too long, or else I'm stopped dead in my tracks and again........fall into a huge hole of sadness. I have to just blow him a kiss and move on by. I could take them down, but I don't want to and don't think I ever will. I want his presence to remain in our home and I always want to be able to look up and see him whenever I need to see his smile.

I can't be in the car by myself for extended periods of time. My thoughts ALWAYS lead me back to him. I always find myself wanting to look in the back seat and see his smiling face sitting there looking back at me......we shared so many sweet, precious moments. Just in our stares alone.

I can't look over at the couch where he laid for the last 3 weeks of his life. I so desperately want him to appear so that I can run over there and sit next to him and put his tiny little feet in my lap. I would play with his toes all day long and we'd laugh and wiggle and entertain each other 'til we fell asleep.

I can't think of the painful memories of Hunter's last day. At least not yet. Whenever they creep into my head.........it's so terribly horrific and paralyzing........I usually don't resurface after that - it takes me away and buries me - deep, deep down under into a pool of darkness.

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However, I have found that what I can do......things that bring me smiles or help me move forward are these:

Making an effort to think happy thoughts. Thinking about all of the wonderful things that we've experienced since we've been blessed with Hunter in our lives. All the love he's brought into this world. All of the emotions he's brought into our life. And all of the the moments he's given us to cherish.

I can think about our future and all of the possibilities that still lay ahead.

I can make sure that Ryder, Hunter's little brother, knows what a hero he was and how strong of a fighter he was and how truly courageous he lived his life......every single day. And hope he lives his life the same way.

I can take deep breaths and continue to realize how fortunate we were to have Hunter in our lives at all.

I can make an effort to continue to find our carefree spirits and not let the devastation of our past inhibit our ability to live life or soak up everything this life has to offer.

I can appreciate the fact that I will be an even better mother to Ryder, now that I have experience and know what a true blessing motherhood really is - not one single moment will be taken for granted or ever overlooked.

I can continue to look at my husband with loving eyes, realizing how lucky we are to have one another. We hold each other up, we keep each other strong, we encourage each others fight. Our fight to survive, our fight to find happiness and our fight to live.

I can continue to hope for better moments, better dreams and better days. They're there.....within reach.......we just have to be patient and they'll come.....I know it. With Hunter's sweet blessing and beautiful spirit - I am hoping they are just right around the corner.

An image I found that brought a sweet smile to my face.