Sweet Dreams

Cloud formation on our "PAIN"cation Journey.

Hunter was finally in my dreams last night. Oh so nice to see his beautiful, smiling face.

Zen and I went to visit him and he was in a hospital-like setting, but no machines or doctors or nurses. And he had no tubes or anything else connected to him. He was free of all medical issues. He was sitting up on a bed, playing a game with a volunteer. I was so anxious to see him and rushed into the room as quick as I could, and ran over to him ready to embrace. I smooched him all over his entire body, starting with his tiny little precious toes and finished up on his bubbly little cheeks. He giggled and laughed and it was so nice to just lay there with him and hold him. He's just so tender and sweet. And his touch was so warm and welcoming. Wow....how I miss that. He's the most wonderful bundle I've ever snuggled with.

My sweet dream was such a relief from the nightmares I had shortly after Hunter passed. Whenever he was in my dreams before there were always tubes everywhere and we would be giving medicines constantly and he was always sick or dying. They were always so sad and left me in such a heartbroken state when I woke.

I did have one sweet dream of him that ended the nightmares while we were on our "PAIN"cation journey and that was the last I saw of him. That was almost 2 months ago.

When I woke today, I felt a sense of relief and there was a slight smile that graced my face. As I sat up and started remembering him, I felt overwhelmed with love and happiness and it was very pleasant. But then as I started to write out my experience, I felt the sadness settle in......I felt the reality come back....I felt the emptiness all over again. It made me terribly sad that my dreams are now the only place where I can spend time with him in these present moments. My son that I loved so dearly and so intensely can now only be found in my dreams..........

I am assuming my mind in moving through different stages accepting his death and coming to terms with it. I feel as if I know he's gone and it's extremely harsh to accept, but I always thought I would feel his presence more.......somewhere......whether it was my dreams or throughout my days.......or SOMETHING. We had such a deep connection and the bond was so strong - for that to just be completely gone, so suddenly, leaves me so empty and breathless. Lost without a lil' love.

Zen and I try to make up for it by smoochin' each other and holding and hugging and squeezing each other tightly......but it's just not the same as a child. But for now, we'll take all the smoochin' and holding we can get - whether it's with each other or in our dreams. All of this love needs to be given and released somewhere. We are honestly about to explode.

I don't think it's possible to "over love" a child - so when Ryder comes out in 11 weeks - he's going to be loved on all day and all night and every single chance we get. Completely smothered with all the love and goodness we have to give.