We lost our precious lil' love to AML Leukemia on March 8, 2010. As an incredibly strong family unit, we fought this horrid disease for 2 1/2 years........only for it to come back a fourth time to finally claim Hunter's life. Zen and I are truly devastated and the beautiful light that used to brighten our days and enhance our souls, no longer exists. Our hearts are truly and forever broken. We have a long journey ahead of us, but we are committed and devoted to surviving and living our life embracing Hunter's amazing spirit. With tremendous honor, we will carry on his legacy of love, his legacy of courage and his remarkable ambition to live strong, live fearlessly and live with passion.

You will remain forever in our hearts baby love. We carry you with us every moment of every hour of every day.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Sweet Dreams

Cloud formation on our "PAIN"cation Journey.

Hunter was finally in my dreams last night. Oh so nice to see his beautiful, smiling face.

Zen and I went to visit him and he was in a hospital-like setting, but no machines or doctors or nurses. And he had no tubes or anything else connected to him. He was free of all medical issues. He was sitting up on a bed, playing a game with a volunteer. I was so anxious to see him and rushed into the room as quick as I could, and ran over to him ready to embrace. I smooched him all over his entire body, starting with his tiny little precious toes and finished up on his bubbly little cheeks. He giggled and laughed and it was so nice to just lay there with him and hold him. He's just so tender and sweet. And his touch was so warm and welcoming. Wow....how I miss that. He's the most wonderful bundle I've ever snuggled with.

My sweet dream was such a relief from the nightmares I had shortly after Hunter passed. Whenever he was in my dreams before there were always tubes everywhere and we would be giving medicines constantly and he was always sick or dying. They were always so sad and left me in such a heartbroken state when I woke.

I did have one sweet dream of him that ended the nightmares while we were on our "PAIN"cation journey and that was the last I saw of him. That was almost 2 months ago.

When I woke today, I felt a sense of relief and there was a slight smile that graced my face. As I sat up and started remembering him, I felt overwhelmed with love and happiness and it was very pleasant. But then as I started to write out my experience, I felt the sadness settle in......I felt the reality come back....I felt the emptiness all over again. It made me terribly sad that my dreams are now the only place where I can spend time with him in these present moments. My son that I loved so dearly and so intensely can now only be found in my dreams..........

I am assuming my mind in moving through different stages accepting his death and coming to terms with it. I feel as if I know he's gone and it's extremely harsh to accept, but I always thought I would feel his presence more.......somewhere......whether it was my dreams or throughout my days.......or SOMETHING. We had such a deep connection and the bond was so strong - for that to just be completely gone, so suddenly, leaves me so empty and breathless. Lost without a lil' love.

Zen and I try to make up for it by smoochin' each other and holding and hugging and squeezing each other tightly......but it's just not the same as a child. But for now, we'll take all the smoochin' and holding we can get - whether it's with each other or in our dreams. All of this love needs to be given and released somewhere. We are honestly about to explode.

I don't think it's possible to "over love" a child - so when Ryder comes out in 11 weeks - he's going to be loved on all day and all night and every single chance we get. Completely smothered with all the love and goodness we have to give.


  1. You two are absolutely amazing. I know little Hunter is laughing in the clouds, smiling down on you, snuggling with you in your dreams... I love the cloud formation, too. That is definitely him, I am sure!!!

    You look beautiful pregnant!!! I love the name Ryder, too!

  2. Kat Martin Willcox - That ROCKS! I pray that brings you a measure of comfort. It was gr8 talking to you yesterday!

    Lenore Davis - I thought you'd appreciate that posting Kat!!!!!! I thought of you while typing it out. XoXo

  3. Shannon Boothe Ruiz - Did a nurse at DCH ever tell you about the "dream?" Mandy told me once that a nurse ALWAYS dreams about a kid that passes. She said that if it goes too long someone asks "who had the dream." I asked another nurse about it and she hadn't heard of it. I'll see Mandy next week and will ask her if anyone had a "Hunter dream."

    Lenore Davis - He's gotta be making studly appearances somewhere? I can't imagine what he's been doing the last 2 months?!

  4. Shannon Boothe Ruiz - He has lots of visiting to do! He's a popular guy. :)

  5. Jodi Fung - he's gotta get ryder ready for the world you know... being the kiddos of uber parents ....getting a jump on it!

    Lenore Davis - tee hee.........I am always holding on to your "Soul Wisdom" Jodi that you spoke of on the phone before Hunter's Memorial Celebration. It's keeping me going! Xo

  6. Guislaine Pickering - I love it when my mom shows up in my dreams! It took her a while too :)

  7. Brooke Lynn Fergus - That is a beautiful thing, Lenore... God Bless and Peace to You, ~ B

  8. Janet Melton Byrum - yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

  9. Stefani Sucic - Smiling.........

  10. Samantha has just posted a comment on your Journal:

    "I am so glad that you were able to have such a nice dream of your Lil Love!

    Your deserve to have nothing but amazing memories of your time with him...the tubes and sadness of his illness I hope fade away over time and only happy memories cross through your mind.

  11. Terry Robertson Ince - Excellent... I am filled with joy for you... xxoo

  12. Leonore and Zen

    You guys deserve to have ONLY amazing dreams of your little hunter! I hope they keep on coming... Ryder is SUCH an awesome name!

    Much Love
    Your stranger Friend

  13. I was thinking about you today b/c I Hunter was in one of my dreams last night...it was one of those fragmented dreams that I don't remember a lot of the details about, but I was with you guys and we were at the hospital in LA. Hunter was feeling and looking great though, and I remember being excited b/c he was super talkative and I saw this sense of humor/goofy side that I hadn't gotten to experience before. That is about all I remember!

    I don't know if that's something you do or don't want to hear, but I thought I would pass it along...

    I hope you both are doing well!