Mixed Emotions

Woke up this morning at 6am with my mind and emotions all over the place. Seems to be the norm these days. Some mornings there are tears.....some mornings there are smiles. Haven't figured out what triggers what yet. Zen and I seem to be sleeping better these days, which is nice. We are catching up on some much needed sleep. And other then my loud, but cute, pregnancy snoring, which seems to hit me during my 6th to 9th month, we seem to sleep through the night. Zen's the only one that seems to wake up......I obviously remain sound asleep, sorry Zen....hee hee.

Mother's Day wasn't as horrific as I thought it was going to be. That morning I woke at 5am and just laid there for an hour. I felt the burst of tears building up in me and was desperately trying to not start my day off being a wreck. Zen asked if I wanted to lay with him and snuggle, and as much as I wanted to, I knew that would bring the river of tears that I was trying so hard to keep at bay. So I sat up and watched Seinfeld. Always brings me good laughs......thank god for comedy. It has distracted Zen and I on numerous occasions.

After about an hour of Seinfeld, I then chose to jump on my computer and start getting out all my Mother's Day postings. The first thing I felt the need to do was write a note to Hunter. I couldn't stop thinking about him and just wanted to send him some love.....

Hey sweetness......it's Mother's Day and you're on my mind like crazy. I'm looking forward to feeling your sweet presence with me all day. You're an amazing son and I couldn't imagine having lived my life without you. I am so incredibly proud of you. You're courageous spirit and your brilliant attitude will float me through my life with wonderful thoughts to constantly hold on to......I will never let them go. I have many precious and amazing memories to cherish and I am forever holding those in my heart.....along with your tiny little toes that used to rest in my lap every morning and every night. I love you deeply......and always will.....Mom

Hunter's letter back to me..

love you so much mom. i will always be by your side, cheering you on, as you did for me. miss your cuddles so much, but just know that i am always keeping you close to me. i will be that little bird whispering in your ear throughout your days keeping you strong and full of love. i know your love is everlasting and i will treasure it forever. huggin' and squeezin' you tight...xoxo your lil' bundle of love

After I wrote these, there was no stopping the tears. I'm just so heartbroken. Zen came up to check on me and he saw my face and asked what I was doing and what had I read that is making me cry......I said "oh nothing, just the usual.......missin' our lil' love". He came and laid next to me and read what I wrote and cried with me. And there we laid for long, sweet moments and remembered our darling little boy. The pain is definitely deep and when it surfaces.......it's unreal. The powerful wave of agony is crushing and leaves us in disbelief over our life.

We gathered up our tears after that minor episode and got up to start our day. I kept telling myself that it's just another day. Don't focus on the fact that it's Mother's Day........or it will keep bringing me down......and I didn't want my whole day to be a struggle. So I kept thinking.......it's just another Sunday.......it's just another Sunday.......it's just another day to get through and I will come out and finish it on a positive note. But then, all the Facebook messages started rolling in, and I'm very grateful for all of the sweet words and messages and love that was being sent my way......but it definitely was a harsh, but sweet reminder that I am now a mother without a child.

That's when I kept rubbin' my belly.......trying to focus on the child we are about to bring into this world that will soon embrace us and love us the way Hunter did. Another child to snuggle with and cherish and love with all of our hearts. We will let him know he had an amazing older brother who, along with us, will teach him how to be strong, how to be courageous and how to go through life giving it all you've got. We will let him know that we are here for him, always, and no matter what, we will never waver. We will keep him warm and keep him safe and treasure his little being for all of our life.

This is my belly at 6 months. Three more months to go....holy geez!! The shot with the flowers was taken up next to Doernbechers, Hunter's Hospital. We used to go hiking early in the morning during our stays with Hunter and this was one of my favorite places.

This shot was taken the day after Hunter's Memorial Celebration.

Somehow, still able to smile.........