Funny how the mind works.......somedays I feel in control, and other days.......it's completely out of my hands.
I honestly felt as if I was doing "OK" these last few weeks, until Zen made a couple of comments last night in bed. It doesn't take much to trigger any teardrops these days, and all he said, in a round-about way, was that my sparkle is gone. Man did the floodgates open then.....
I guess I was trying to fool myself, and fool others, with my sometimes "fake" smile - but Zen can obviously see right through me.
Even with Ryder's arrival and all of the wonderful things that have happened in our life the last couple of months - I still don't feel "happy". The happy-go-lucky girl that was once inside me, filled with never-ending hope and smiles and wonderful laughter.....sadly enough, no longer exists. I've lost her. And Zen has noticed a "heaviness" to me that seems to be taking over my personality and that truly, truly saddens me. I've never felt this lost or this empty or so hopeless and defeated in my life. I admitted that I am so completely surprised over how much I still continue to think of Hunter. I can't get him out of my mind. He just comes in and takes over and I have to struggle like a mad woman to get my thought process back up to where I can function.
I am breastfeeding Ryder and most times I am completely engaged in him and his beauty and everything that I am doing. I read to him, I sing to him, I recite the alphabet and numbers.....anything I can come up with to enjoy my time with him and NOT think of Hunter. And even with all that going on, in all those feedings, when he's laying in my lap, drinking his milk - I still catch myself looking off into a deep daze - staring off into never-never land. I usually become aware of it once it starts to hurt really bad or my eyes start to swell up with tears - which is when I have to snap myself out of it by looking back down at Ryder. But wow, is it ever challenging me mentally to stay in the moment. I use to be so good at that - that was like our motto - "stay in the moment", "live in the now"........be "present". We didn't know how much time we'd have so we treasured every last moment. And now, it's like that all got flushed down the toilet.
I think my nights have also become increasingly harder because Ryder is up so much during the night eating.....I have to get myself back to sleep around 4-5 times. It was hard enough before getting myself to sleep once, let alone 3 or 4 or 5 times a night. Now my mind races and twists and turns and there's sadness, and emptiness and guilt mixed in with love and joy and sweet precious moments. So conflicting. And to feel all of these emotions and then have to drift off into a sweet sleep is just impossible sometimes. So I then wake up, in a fog, and try to put on my "happy" face to start my day. Sometimes it just feels so artificial I don't even bother. It is what it is.
I, sincerely, crumbled when Zen said my sparkle is gone. I miss that person that once existed. I miss going through life with my ignorant bliss when everything was just perfect. I want to find some resemblance of that being and get it back. I feel as if I am fighting for my life right now. For my life, for mine and Zen's life, for Ryder's life. I can't go on like this. I can't function. I have never wanted to put goals on our grieving - but I'm feeling the need to want to progress to certain stages. I need to hit some stepping stones and get myself through them or else I feel as if I am going to go under.
I feel the need to think about Hunter to keep him close. It seems as if he's already so far away from me - and I truly hate that feeling. It's such an overwhelming feeling of loneliness tied in with extreme heartache. Zen reassured me that I am not doing Hunter a disservice by NOT thinking about him. He's there. He'll always be there - in our minds, in our hearts.....in our memories. He'll never, ever, ever be forgotten. That could just never happen. But, in some strange way - I don't ever want Hunter to think I've forgotten him, or have stopped thinking about him, or just simply replaced him with another child. I want him to always know that he truly changed my life. He brought such a wonderful blessing to every single one of my days. It was my honor and such an amazing treat to be his mother. I couldn't have asked or wished for a more beautiful or loving child. He was my superstar.
Tomorrow is mine and Zen's anniversary. It's also the 6-month mark of Hunter's death. (Once again, another happy day sprinkled with some sadness......but whatever). I want the 6-month mark to be a stepping stone for me, and I also want Hunter's birthday, which is later on this month, to be another stepping stone for me. Positive and happy stepping stones. Beautiful and nurturing stepping stones. Peaceful, warm and comforting stepping stones.
I don't want to miss a beat of Ryder's life. And I don't want my relationship with my husband to become dull and shadowed by sadness. Ryder and Zen are the only things that seem to bring genuine smiles to my face these days. So it's time to start filling my mind with thoughts of THEM. They are here and they need me and I am here and I need them......more than anything else in the world right now.