"PAIN"cation: 2014

Definition of grief - Deep mental anguish, keen mental suffering, distress over affliction or loss, sharp sorrow.

hmmmmm...that just doesn't sound all that appetizing. At least not to me.

However, since I've lost Hunter......it's whats served for breakfast every single morning of my brutally-altered life.

That's a pretty powerful state of emotion & existence to wake up to and choke down every single day.

So I've decided this...

I've decided to take what's been served to me, (this lovely grief-breakfast of mine), and on any given day I'm going to fry it up, boil it up, poach it up tenderly...scramble it up, take it deviled, or maybe even on some days - drink it down raw.

And however I choose to drink it, choke it or gobble it down, I'm just going to make sure that it's something I can stomach. And then on top of that, I'm going to try to make the choking and gobbling down as pleasant and as enjoyable as possible. And then once I'm finished with that, I'm going to add that side of spectacular.

And that side of spectacular for me is Hunter. It's his contagious giggle, it's his signature wiggle, it's his ever lasting inspiration. It's his marvelous coolness, his delightful love, and his rock star personality. It's his legacy. It's his amazing life, it's his magnificent soul, it's his undying spirit.

It's him. And to me, he's as spectacular as it gets.

And that somehow allows me to stomach as much grief as I can take. And as you can imagine, the plate can be pretty enormous sometimes.

I'm grateful that grief changes...every day is different. And I know deep down inside, in my heart and in my mind, I truly have the ultimate power to work with it. I can morph it into different ways to consume it that make it most agreeable for me and my state of mind. On some days I can choose not to have any and on some days...it's just essential. I don't fight it, that seems a bit too exhausting. At times I do welcome it, simply because a painful ache can feel like home. However, I definitely don't like it - sincerely not a fan, but I do consider it my life-long friend......since we will be together until the end.

Grief stares me in the face every. single. day.

I lost my lil' love.

I lost a huge piece of my life.

I lost a tremendously huge piece of my heart.

I lost my child. And he was a Rock Star.

So because grief stares me in the face every single day.

My lil' man is going to rock-it-out and brilliantly dance-it-up on my heart every. single. day.

Griefs got nothing on me except acknowledgement. I respect it, I understand it, I'm going through it. But it won't take anything more from me then what's already been taken, it won't define me and it definitely won't defeat me.

I will never run away from it...seems a bit too far and never-ending. So since it's so close, guess I'll just just put my head up and run straight towards it. I will always welcome the challenge.

And now that I have this extremely powerful Angel wiggling and dancing and giggling on my shoulder...I feel slightly unstoppable, in a very "Hunteresque" kind of way ;)

Oh and back to my delicious grief-breakfast......I'm pretty sure I prefer sunny side-up, almost always, and I actually prefer to take whatever else I don't want and choke it down or gobble it down with a spectactular smile. It's the only way to go.