My darkest moments......

This post is probably going to be extremely hard to read. I am expecting it's going to be extremely hard to write. But I am feeling the need to share a few things......I am sharing some of my burden and I am sharing some of my pain.

In my last post, I had made the comment about my sparkle being gone. I got an overwhelming amount of responses from so many people sharing advice, stories, and similar situations. Thank you all so much for taking the time to write me. Everything everyone wrote caused me to think a good bit about what we've been through and how we are processing our life, our love, our loss, and our amazing Hunter who has now been gone for 6 months.






I know where my sparkle is.............I've realized what's happened. I'm traumatized. I'm still numb. I'm truly still so, so sad and broken over what happened to us - over what happened to Hunter, and everything that we had to endure and witness. My eyes have seen things that would drive any mother to insanity. I think the absolute most horrifying thing that can happen to a mother or a father is to witness their child suffer. For those that had the courage to read the post from Hunter's last day - The Death of a Superhero - you got a taste of what his last 3 days of life were like. A small taste of our suffering. I didn't write or express everything that I wanted to share. I am not sure I would have been capable at that time. So it all seems to be coming to the surface now.

Many people have offered to take away our pain if that was something that they could do. Another handful of people have said, "I just can't imagine what your days are like". And I'm sure a good bit of people who follow our life and have chosen to come along on our journey with us have never lost a child. Well, right now, I am going to take you there - only because I need to get this out. I am feeling the need to release these demons that I feel have stolen my sparkle.

Our life has been ripped apart. Our souls have been tortured. And our spirits have been crushed.

Our dreams have been shattered. Our hope has been smashed. And our hearts have been brutally beaten into the ground.

Not only did Hunter die, but we had to watch him die. And not only did we have to watch him die.........we knew it was coming. It was so surreal. Think about what your mind would do with someone coming up to you and saying that your most cherished love in your entire life was going to die. Not sure when, don't know how much time you have - but it's coming, probably sometime soon. Think about that the next time your child looks you in the face and smiles. And then think about the thoughts entering into your mind that your child will soon be dead. And I don't mean to express that in a cruel way - but I am trying to get your mind to experience a little of what that moment was like for us when they informed us of Hunter's last and final relapse. Hunter was going to die. And there wasn't one single thing we could do about it to change that dreadful ending. Every last bit of love and hope that we poured into our last 3 years of life was not going to pay off. We lost. And now we had to look our son in the eyes and keep on smiling and help him live out his last few days as courageously and as enjoyable as we could. When we, ourselves, felt as if we were dying. We had to laugh and play and make him feel as if everything was alright so that he could die without being afraid or sad. Hunter didn't even know what death was - he had no idea what was coming.

This was Valentines Day. It was two days after we were told that Hunter's cancer had returned and he was going to die. This was the last day he had the strength and the energy to run around the house and play. We had SUCH a good time that day. We played chase for hours.









This was Hunter 3 weeks later. The day he died.





So other than the trauma of actually watching my child die, here are a couple other things that I fight with every still moment, every quite day and every aching beat of my heart.

Look at this beautiful, happy, smiling face. These photos melt my heart. We did a Hunter photo shoot that day and he was so much fun to play with and photograph.









Now take that face and picture him laying on his side, his chest caving in so deep just to catch a breath, his eyes rolling back into his head and him not being conscious. That's the image I have of Hunter the morning we woke up the day he died. That's what I woke up to......my little man dying. That's the first image that get's stuck in my head when I am being tortured. I will never forget what he looked like. I will never forget how hard his lil' body was working......just to breathe.

I honestly didn't think we were that close to his death, because just a few hours before that, at around 4am, he woke up and was asking me for Henry. He wanted his toy train Henry and we didn't have him with us. Henry was at home. He just kept asking for him......."mom.....Henwy.....Henwy, Henwy mom.......mom, Henwy". I was so upset that I couldn't give him the only one thing he was asking for that would have made him smile and drift back off to sleep. The sound of Hunter's voice asking me for Henry, (or Henwy as he would pronounce it), over and over and over again is another thing that gets me and gets stuck in my head when my mind is being tortured. His voice is so clear.


(Most of you already know, but for those of you that don't, Henry is the toy train that I now sleep with every single night. It stays clutched in my hand and close to my heart and will forever remind me of Hunter's sweet voice. If he ever chooses to visit me in my dreams again - he'll see Henry).

When I woke up that morning and saw Hunter in the state he was in I immediately woke up Zen. We had pushed two hospital beds together so that we could all sleep close to each other, so Zen was easily woken up and was pretty quick to take in the situation. He grabbed Hunter and tried to wake him up and get some sort of response out of him and he got nothing......Hunter wasn't gone yet, but he wasn't responding either. My sweet, sweet love wouldn't wake up. Zen tried everything and nothing was working. I immediately starting sobbing and we called in the nurse. We were basically told that his body was starting to shut down and that today might be the day that Hunter dies.




Instant panic. Instant memories coming crashing down. Instant pain.

What did they mean, "today might be the day".......we thought we'd have a few more weeks if not months with him. It had only been 3 weeks. The cancer wasn't supposed to kill him that quickly. I wasn't ready for that day. I never wanted that day to come........ever. I so desperately wanted this all to be a bad dream. What on earth did we do to deserve THIS?

This is another photograph of Hunter that just steals my heart.



Now take that photograph in and his sweet, loving face and think about holding him as he takes his last breath and dies in your arms. The moment that the nurse told us that she no longer heard a heartbeat will be another moment that I will never, ever, ever forget. Hunter was gone. We would no longer hear his voice. We would no longer hear his giggle. We would no longer see him smile. We would no longer feel his touch. He's gone. His body was right there in front of us......but his beautiful and glowing spirit was gone. Zen was holding his tiny, limp body in his arms and we cried so hard. We cried and cried and cried. Hunter was dead.

I then gave Hunter his last bath. I took my child, who was no longer breathing, and bathed him. It was at this time that my eyes fully took in all of his scars and all of his wounds from all of his procedures over the last few years. He had so many biopsies and needle pokes and pic lines and surgeries. Serious battle wounds from a brutal fight with cancer. So many scars, TOO many scars, for a little boy who was only 3 1/2 years old.










A few more beautiful photos of Hunter.









Now picture laying this amazing lil' love into a body bag. An itsy, bitsy lil' body bag made for a child. I still remember my eyes taking forever to adjust and fully take in what was about to happen. Zen had Hunter in his arms. He carried him out of the hospital instead of letting them put him on a stretcher. Hunter's nose was bleeding and I kept having to wipe the blood with a soft tissue to prevent it from running down his face. It was such a horrific feeling of sadness and loss. The coroner's van was waiting at curbside to take him away. Zen gently laid him in the bag and sobbed over his lil' body. I wouldn't let them zip the bag all the way up.....my heart couldn't take it. We laid his Lightning McQueen blanket in there with him and one of his other special blankets and told him we loved him over and over and over and smooched his face for what seemed like hours.

Hunter died at 11pm on the night of March 8th and we held his precious body until 5am that next morning. By the time the coroner came, he was so stiff and so cold..........but he was still my child and I didn't want the last time I ever held him to end. I didn't want to let him go......I didn't care how cold and stiff he was......I just wanted him with me. And now we were about to turn him over to complete strangers and just let them drive off with him. He's never been away from mom and dad. He's never been alone.







Our last moments with our son were shared with 2 security guards and a coroner. The security guards were there to walk us out and to stop traffic and pedestrians as we said our goodbyes. People stopped dead in their tracks as they witnessed what was happening. So many hearts were bleeding for us in those moments. Such a pure tragedy.





I remember collapsing and vomiting and leaving the hospital with an empty stroller. The first and only time we had ever left the hospital without Hunter. I painfully sobbed the entire way home and kept apologizing to Zen because I couldn't stop. The pain ran so deep and was literally taking my breath away. Zen's vibe and energy was that of a raging bull. He was angry. He was so, so sad and so incredibly angry that his son was gone......I thought he was going to explode and crumble into a million pieces.

My mind was racing and reliving every last day of the last 3 years of our life.

I remembered feeling so happy in the hospital room in January when we thought he was cancer free and that we were only dealing with Graft vs. Host. Hunter was starting to feel better again and truly display his fantastic personality by acting like the lil' champion that he was......always.



I remembered the amount of pain medication he was on to keep him comfortable his last three days. At some points over that weekend he was on Morphine, Oxycodone, Versed, Tylenol and Methadone...........ALL AT ONE TIME. Towards the end, when he was still experiencing fevers of 103 to 104, they had to put the tylenol in his lil' rump because his body could no longer process it through his mouth.

I then remembered how many times over the last 3 years Hunter's temperature was 103-104. There were so many days that our poor lil' love was on fire. Towards the end......it was just normal for him.



I remembered having to give him 27 doses of a huge variety of medications after his Bone Marrow Transplant just to keep him alive.

I remember watching the cancer take over his entire body. After beating it away for over 2 years it came back so fast and took him over so quickly. It took his ability to walk. It took his ability to play. It took his energy.......it took his life. It took everything.....piece by piece by piece.

I remember it all.........

This is Hunter's last video, about 6 hours before he died..........it just absolutely crushes me. I will always remember this - it's embedded in my mind....it's embedded in my heart. He's saying mom and dad over and over as he shows us his cars and gives us his last wiggle......his last words....his last smile. Zen had made the comment last night as we were watching this and sobbing that even as he was dying......he was still happy. He wasn't it any pain and as far as he knew - this was just another normal day in the life of Hunter and he was just going off to sleep. And Zen and I remain truly devastated that he never woke up.



Zen and I consider ourselves to be pretty strong individuals - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We fought Hunter's battle, by his side, without leaving him for a moment - and fought with him to the bitter end. We would have never given up. Hunter would have never given up. And we will treasure every last day we had with him and always wish we had more.

We tried grief therapy at the beginning and it didn't seem that productive for us. We went together and then went separately and it's almost as if we felt worse when we left our sessions. Our poor therapist at the time started off by asking us about Hunter and wanted us to tell her about him. We both began and shared each others words and we painfully described what a wonderful child he was and how full of love he was and how much he enjoyed being alive. She handed us some tissues as we continued to cry our eyes out. We went on and on about this amazing child who we no longer have and how terribly sad and broken we are.......and by the end of our story of what the last 3 years of our life has been like and talking about the love that we have forever lost........we had to hand the tissues back because our therapist was then in tears. It's truly SUCH a sad, sad heart breaking story. And other than being brainwashed.......our life and those brutal memories and images will never leave my mind.

Hunter's last days of suffering, which ultimately ended in his death have diminished my sparkle. This is my personal hell and those moments that absolutely wreck me and bring me to my knees are the moments that I constantly need to remember to forget, yet never forget to remember. Zen and I will never recover. We loved him more than anything. We love him more than ourselves. It was the truest and purest form of love we have ever experienced. And we ache every moment of every day that we are without it. The overwhelming emptiness and void that we feel is truly indescribable and will never, ever, ever go away. We will carry it with us to the grave.

We are now searching for the light. The bright and splendid light of Hunter's wonderful existence. Hoping to light up our souls, hoping to light up our spirits, hoping to light up our lives. It is there.......it's just buried so incredibly deep within our sorrows right now that is, unfortunately, many layers thick. But we won't give up and we won't give in. We will continue to stand strong together and hold each other tight and forever remember the love that we lost, the love that we experienced and the love filled lives that we have lived.

Mental Survival

Funny how the mind works.......somedays I feel in control, and other days.......it's completely out of my hands.

I honestly felt as if I was doing "OK" these last few weeks, until Zen made a couple of comments last night in bed. It doesn't take much to trigger any teardrops these days, and all he said, in a round-about way, was that my sparkle is gone. Man did the floodgates open then.....

I guess I was trying to fool myself, and fool others, with my sometimes "fake" smile - but Zen can obviously see right through me.

Even with Ryder's arrival and all of the wonderful things that have happened in our life the last couple of months - I still don't feel "happy". The happy-go-lucky girl that was once inside me, filled with never-ending hope and smiles and wonderful laughter.....sadly enough, no longer exists. I've lost her. And Zen has noticed a "heaviness" to me that seems to be taking over my personality and that truly, truly saddens me. I've never felt this lost or this empty or so hopeless and defeated in my life. I admitted that I am so completely surprised over how much I still continue to think of Hunter. I can't get him out of my mind. He just comes in and takes over and I have to struggle like a mad woman to get my thought process back up to where I can function.

I am breastfeeding Ryder and most times I am completely engaged in him and his beauty and everything that I am doing. I read to him, I sing to him, I recite the alphabet and numbers.....anything I can come up with to enjoy my time with him and NOT think of Hunter. And even with all that going on, in all those feedings, when he's laying in my lap, drinking his milk - I still catch myself looking off into a deep daze - staring off into never-never land. I usually become aware of it once it starts to hurt really bad or my eyes start to swell up with tears - which is when I have to snap myself out of it by looking back down at Ryder. But wow, is it ever challenging me mentally to stay in the moment. I use to be so good at that - that was like our motto - "stay in the moment", "live in the now"........be "present". We didn't know how much time we'd have so we treasured every last moment. And now, it's like that all got flushed down the toilet.

I think my nights have also become increasingly harder because Ryder is up so much during the night eating.....I have to get myself back to sleep around 4-5 times. It was hard enough before getting myself to sleep once, let alone 3 or 4 or 5 times a night. Now my mind races and twists and turns and there's sadness, and emptiness and guilt mixed in with love and joy and sweet precious moments. So conflicting. And to feel all of these emotions and then have to drift off into a sweet sleep is just impossible sometimes. So I then wake up, in a fog, and try to put on my "happy" face to start my day. Sometimes it just feels so artificial I don't even bother. It is what it is.

I, sincerely, crumbled when Zen said my sparkle is gone. I miss that person that once existed. I miss going through life with my ignorant bliss when everything was just perfect. I want to find some resemblance of that being and get it back. I feel as if I am fighting for my life right now. For my life, for mine and Zen's life, for Ryder's life. I can't go on like this. I can't function. I have never wanted to put goals on our grieving - but I'm feeling the need to want to progress to certain stages. I need to hit some stepping stones and get myself through them or else I feel as if I am going to go under.

I feel the need to think about Hunter to keep him close. It seems as if he's already so far away from me - and I truly hate that feeling. It's such an overwhelming feeling of loneliness tied in with extreme heartache. Zen reassured me that I am not doing Hunter a disservice by NOT thinking about him. He's there. He'll always be there - in our minds, in our hearts.....in our memories. He'll never, ever, ever be forgotten. That could just never happen. But, in some strange way - I don't ever want Hunter to think I've forgotten him, or have stopped thinking about him, or just simply replaced him with another child. I want him to always know that he truly changed my life. He brought such a wonderful blessing to every single one of my days. It was my honor and such an amazing treat to be his mother. I couldn't have asked or wished for a more beautiful or loving child. He was my superstar.



Tomorrow is mine and Zen's anniversary. It's also the 6-month mark of Hunter's death. (Once again, another happy day sprinkled with some sadness......but whatever). I want the 6-month mark to be a stepping stone for me, and I also want Hunter's birthday, which is later on this month, to be another stepping stone for me. Positive and happy stepping stones. Beautiful and nurturing stepping stones. Peaceful, warm and comforting stepping stones.

I don't want to miss a beat of Ryder's life. And I don't want my relationship with my husband to become dull and shadowed by sadness. Ryder and Zen are the only things that seem to bring genuine smiles to my face these days. So it's time to start filling my mind with thoughts of THEM. They are here and they need me and I am here and I need them......more than anything else in the world right now.


Ryder in my belly about a week before he entered our lives.

Days without Hunter........

Here are just a few random journals that I wrote on JournalEngine over the last few months.

Zen and I at the Sundance Film Festival the week before we found out we were pregnant with Hunter. Ready to take on the responsibilities of parenting - we were just absolutely THRILLED to be having a baby.

In this photo our lives had already changed and we had weathered one of the storms. This was one of the happier days of our lives. Hunter was in remission after 5 rounds of chemo in Los Angeles and was doing exceptionally well. We couldn't have asked for anything more.

JULY 22nd, 2010

Woke up at 5:30 am today and just laid in bed. Finally just decided to get up at 6:30. Trying to figure out my frame of mind and work myself through it. I went into the bathroom and put two barrettes in my hair - one was a little sparkly. Zen made a comment that I looked surprisingly "chipper" this morning, despite the fact that it was a little too early for me to get up and out of bed. I lightly smiled. As I walked down the stairs to make our morning coffee, tears just rolled down my face as if I had been crying for months. They come so naturally now. They stopped by the time I had the water boiled. I blew my nose. Wiped my face. And headed back upstairs. He never sensed my tears. I'd rather keep them to myself at this moment and not influence the start of his day.....he seems to be doing ok right now and I don't want to make him feel sad. I'm sure my day will get better as I go.....looking forward to smiling.

Life's simple pleasures.......having a husband that I truly love with all my heart, and knowing he loves me back - just as much.

Hunter Helping me blow a kiss. This was when he was stamped "cured" after his treatment in Los Angeles. It was his first day in a park in 9 months.

JULY 17th, 2010

Still processing.............our days seem to be going by quicker and we are finding many things that continue to make us smile and laugh. But there is still an underlying sadness that we seem to carry with us wherever we go. It just takes the tiniest of triggers to bring us back to Hunter and all of our memories. The sad things still make us sad, the happy things.......still make us sad.......and the realization that he's gone - just breaks us down to nothing. It's almost been 5 months now and it truly seems as if it's getting harder and not much easier. We have found some joy in life since his death - but it's definitely not the same.

Ryder is due to make his appearance any day now and we are ANXIOUSLY awaiting his arrival. I was 2cm dilated last Thursday and my body has definitely changed since then - so maybe by the weekend we'll have another lil' bundle in our arms to love and squeeze and shower with tenderness and kisses.

All of my focus will be on our new baby. I feel as if I've come to terms with Hunter's death and that mentally and emotionally I am ready to fully love and devote my entire being to another child. I desperately wish I had two children now, instead of one........and I desperately wish that Hunter was here to show his lil' brother how to be a true champion and get through life with nothing but grace and courage, but so be it. Zen and I will have to pass those lessons and qualities along. I guess I will count my blessings that we were able to even conceive another child and be granted the opportunity to be parents again. We really do feel quite lucky. As Zen puts it......"We are the luckiest, unlucky people around".

Pregnant with Ryder up at Timberline Lodge.

JUNE 28th, 2010

Stayed really busy this weekend with friends in town and spending days outside enjoying the weather. It felt really nice. A very welcomed change from staying inside and working on the computer all day - only leaving to run errands. Plus the sun was shining - so it was warm and just felt soooooooo cozy.

Our friends came in from LA to visit and just had a baby who is now 2 months old. It was refreshing and sad at the same time. But I'll have to say........in the end.....I had more happy thoughts about our life and what's to come than depressing ones. It was very exciting to see another lil' life that was so new and tiny and open to everything that he was exposed to. I'm getting very excited about having our new addition to our family and just can't wait to squeeze him and spend all my days and nights with him. Only 6 more weeks to go!

Zen with Hunter when he was 1 month old.

FATHER'S DAY, 2010

Today started off kinda sad. I saw tears roll down Zen's face as he sat up in bed. I knew today wasn't going to be "easy", but I wasn't quite sure how he was going to take it on. I asked him what he had on his plate today and if there was anything in particular that he wanted to do or any special meals he wanted me to prepare, he said, "no.....not really". He has since gotten out of bed and has started his day and is staying pretty busy. While he was out at Home Depot, I got all my good cries out so that I didn't make his day any worse. I then washed my face, got dressed and headed down to the kitchen so that he came home to a happier environment.

I fixed him poached eggs with bacon and apple sausage and Dave's Killer toast.....his favorite bread. He gobbled it down with a smile, but still seems to have a certain sadness about him. On Mother's day......my sadness pretty much stayed with me all day - so I am assuming his probably will as well.

He is now putting up the backsplash in our kitchen with his friend. I don't hear any music down there.......it seems pretty quiet. So maybe I'll go down and start some cool tunes and add a smile to the room. I'm sure it's needed.

Zen with Hunter when he was 6 months old.


Zen with Hunter on the beaches of Australia. An amazing trip that we will never, ever forget.

JUNE 14th, 2010

What do I see in the world that is awesome.......hmmmmm...........there are actually so many things that I see that are awesome - despite our personal tragedy.

But in order to see those things, I'm having to restructure my thoughts and retrain my mind to head in the positive directions first - so that I AM able to continue to see the good, so that I can embrace the positive and so that I can "stop and smell the roses". Every morning and every night is a huge struggle for me. I have to think about how I am going to start my day and how I am going to end it. My dreams are always very vivid and I usually always remember them, so my last thoughts that cross my mind before I close my eyes to go to sleep are very important. They can make or break me the following day.

This month is particularly hard. Hunter has now been gone for 3 months and it's hard to continue to accept that life is just going on as usual. Time is passing by and nothing has stopped and stood still, other than me and my husband.

Tomorrow is the year anniversary of his Bone Marrow Transplant. The transplant that was "supposed" to save his life. Well it didn't save his life. After all that hard work and after all of the treatments and radiation and emotional struggles.........his life was still cut short. And we feel forever defeated.

Then there is also Father's day. Mother's day wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be, but still..........pretty sad. A long day and one that took me in and out of sad fogs from the early morning well into the nightfall. I know that in most cases, women are slightly more emotional than men - so my husband might not be hit as hard as I was......but still........his precious son is gone and on Father's day, he will be a father without a child.

SO.......here we are.......needing to go on.....needing to continue to live and not wanting to fall off the face of the earth in all of our sorrows. In order to go on, we MUST think of the positive. We have to take all of the goodness that came out of our experience and embrace THAT as opposed to the never ending pain and heartache. And we are forced to look at the future to keep ourselves strong for the following days to come.

The world didn't stop the day Hunter died. Many luminaries have been lit, many races have been run and many people have continued to be inspired by his courageous battle. He's a true warrior and still has so much to teach. He'll keep contributing to the love in this world every single day that he is thought of, remembered and honored.

His transplant didn't end up saving his life, but it did give us 9 more months of pure total enjoyment with him. Granted we had lots of hurdles to overcome in those nine months and it was extremely challenging - but we got to see his personality shine like we've never seen it shine before. He amazed us with his charm and his never ending amounts of wonderful giggles and his beautiful spirit that has touched so many and has stolen our hearts.........forever.

And Father's day is what it is........a day.........just another day. We won't miss him any more than we already do on that particular day. That would be impossible. We are choosing to honor our lil' love and will always do so, but we are also going to appreciate the blessing of the next child that we will bring into this world in two months. So Zen WILL be a father again.......all in due time. And he is an amazing father and deserves that more than anything in this whole wideawesome world.

Hunter after his relapse getting ready for his Bone Marrow Transplant.



Hunter after his Bone Marrow Transplant......just soaking up the smiles.

JUNE 4TH, 2010

My promise to myself is to stay very busy and productive. I usually am.......but I am going to make an even bigger effort to really knock some things out. Plus it will make the time go by waaaaaaaaaay faster. And I am all for that - but only for the next 3 months. Then I would like for time to crawl along very turtle like.

I've been updating all of our photography blogs, pages and twitter buzz......I've continued to schedule clients for more upcoming shoots and I am going to complete Hunter's book in the next 2-3 weeks. Hunter's book is something I think I embrace and shy away from all at once. It's getting harder and harder to see his beautiful face and not break down and drown in my puddle of tears. Wow, I miss him in my life. Our horrible tragedy just seems to be hitting me harder and harder every day we are away from him. It's truly amazing what I would be willing to give up to have him in my arms.......if only for a day.

I promise to survive.

On our way to the hospital for a clinic check-up. Routine at this point.......something we had to do 2-3 times a week after his transplant.

MAY 16th, 2010

It's 12:10 am and I can't sleep. We were watching Seinfeld and I was attempting to close my eyes and head off to dreamland, but somehow it didn't work out as planned. As soon as we turned off the TV......my mind immediately went to Hunter. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind, and just then, Zen quietly asked me if I was trying to clear my mind of memories. As soon as he asked........my eyes welled up with tears. We laid in bed and mentioned a few of our "Hunter" moments, which triggered more tears....which didn't seem to really comfort me. Then we tried to go to sleep again. Didn't work for me. I continued to think of just how horrible our situation was and just how unfair it was for Hunter to get sick. And just how sad I was during his last 3 weeks before he died. I kept trying to push these thoughts aside and think of the good memories, but even those made me sad. I so desperately want to hold him and squeeze him and smooch his tiny little face..........I feel as if I am going insane.

Zen heard me struggling and crying and I'm sure my rapid heartbeat was causing the bed to shake......he reminded me once again to try to think of the good times. Think of him dancing and his little side shuffle and his fantastic moves. His little giggle.

Nothing was working. I was just plainly falling apart.

I eventually got up and threw some water on my face and here I am.

I am going to attempt to go to sleep right now.............Hunter was our gift..........and I am doing my best to accept and to deal with what happened to our "gift". It's truly taking all my strength and every last bit of courage to face what is now our every day life.

Hunter in Oregon, right before he relapsed. He hadn't been feeling too good, and we were already starting the pediatrician visits trying to figure out what was wrong. We were desperately hoping that he just had a cold or a virus..........or some sort of flu bug. ANYTHING but cancer. Three weeks later, on my birthday, they told us that his cancer was back and he'd now have to get a Bone Marrow Transplant to survive.

MAY 14th, 2010

Just Another BLOW...

........just picked up Hunter's death certificate......just when I think that we've already been hit with all of the major blows - one more sneaks up on us and brutally punches us right in the gut. Guess I am going to pick myself up off the ground now, wipe my tears, put a sweet smile on my face and blow a kiss up to the sky.

That was my posting on Facebook on Wednesday and it's still kind of hitting us pretty hard.Zen got out of bed early this morning and when I woke shortly after, I heard him downstairs sobbing.I immediately ran down and wrapped my arms around him and joined in on the tears.When I rushed by his computer, I saw that he was reading our blog post from Hunter's last day.We usually try not to go there.......it just opens up the flood gates to pain.....but it's sadly our life and that's all we have left and those are, unfortunately, our memories.However, we definitely have better memories than the ones from that day - but sometimes we just get stuck and go back to his blog to read it and see him and low and behold, before we know it, we are back to that dreadful day.

Blog Posting from Hunter's Last Day

Our life has definitely become extremely more challenging......trying our best every day to find the joy and happiness that we once used to share, especially with our child that we miss so terribly.I know someday it will return, but it will never be as full.

I LOVED this day. He was feeling so good and was so happy. I honestly thought we had won the battle and he was going to be with us forever.

MOTHER'S DAY, 2010

Woke up at 5am and laid in bed for an hour thinking.

As I sat up 4 tears rolled down my face, thinking about what my day has in store for me.......

I immediately felt the need to write Hunter a message -

Hey sweetness......it's Mother's Day and you're on my mind like crazy. I'm looking forward to feeling your sweet presence with me all day. You're an amazing son and I couldn't imagine having lived my life without you. I am so incredibly proud of you. You're courageous spirit and your brilliant attitude will float me through my life with wonderful thoughts to constantly hold on to......I will never let them go. I have many precious and amazing memories to cherish and I am forever holding those in my heart.....along with your tiny little toes that used to rest in my lap every morning and every night. I love you deeply......and always will.....Mom

Mother's Day

...........wishing it would come and go........yet, feel the need to experience it and face it and make it a beautiful experience for myself.

To be a mother without a child on Mother's Day is not something I would have ever guessed I would have to endure. And yet, here I am.

So I've decided to tackle Hunter's and Ryder's room and make it a place of healing and a place of beauty and a place where their energy becomes one. Instead of a place where I enter and leave, crawling out on my hands and knees with tears that never seem to end. I feel as if it will make me feel closer to both my children. My child that has sadly departed and my child that will soon be arriving.

During and after Mother's Day, I am going to focus on positive healing and energize my spirit and my soul with Hunter's love and the newly found love that will exist for Ryder.

Me with Hunter when he was 3 months old.

MAY 4th, 2010

Broken Hearted...

Wow.....I'm just amazed at how much my heart aches....every moment of every day.

It will be 2 months on Saturday that Hunter's been gone.It seriously feels like forever.Sometimes it feels as if he was never here.It really does just seem impossible that something so wonderful and amazing was ours, and then all of a sudden it's just gone.Just doesn't seem like something so horrible could have really happened to us and to our child.

I am still working on not allowing Hunter's last 3 days alive haunt me.A mother never wants to see her child suffer.......and I think when it happens, it's something that is never forgotten.It will be one of my battles for the rest of my life.

I used to love butterflies.I loved their beauty, their vibrant colors and the way they would flutter by so carelessly.I remember going to a butterfly pavilion in Colorado once and one came by and landed right on my nose.I felt like the luckiest girl alive....such a pure connection.I also remember learning that day how short a butterfly's life was.Some only live for days, some for weeks and some for months.I felt the need then to let my love for butterflies leave me because the thought of their life being so short just saddened me.That same emotion is surfacing with Hunter.His incredibly short life span brings such a painful hurt to my heart and I am saddened beyond belief, however, with Hunter, my love for him continues to grow.In fact it gets stronger and more powerful every single day that he's gone.My heart and mind won't allow me to let go......and I don't want to let go.I want to hold on to him with everything I've got.I know my strength will get me through our toughest times.......but I just wish, I could hold him one more time, or smooch his beautiful face one more time or tell him how much I love him........just one more time.I'd give anything......

In the hospital at Doernbechers during his relapse. He was heading towards his second remission and things were looking positive.

APRIL 27th, 2010

What's working for us right now is the love and devotion that Zen and I have towards each others healing.Despite the overwhelming amounts of sadness that sneaks up on us and brings us to our knees in our puddles of tears, we are somehow able to comfort one another and save each other from drowning.Sometimes he rescues me, sometimes I rescue him, and sometimes we just swim around in our tears with our eyes closed tight, wishing desperately that when we open them, Hunter will be standing there in front of us, smiling and giggling, letting us know that he's home to stay.

But he's not there.He's never going to be there again, standing in front of us, smiling and giggling.........and that's what's NOT working for us.We're devastated.We're sad, we're angry, we're hurt and overall.........we are just not happy with the way that Hunter's life ended.And our life used to be nothing BUT happiness.And all of a sudden, it's taking a whole lot of effort to just find some genuine smiles within our days that last longer than a few seconds.There is a looming cloud of sadness that hangs over our souls and it's ever so present and so not enjoyable.Zen and I still share a good bit of laughter together, but that laughter is always chased by our reality...........and our reality right now is every parents worst nightmare.

New Years Eve 2009. Thinking we were on our way to Hunter being healed and everything finally being OK - The start of our new life. Hunter fell sick shortly after and we were back and forth in the hospital until they found signs of his cancer about a month and half later. When we took this picture - I NEVER would have believed that he was going to be gone in 3 months. I would have never let go.